


Time dilation, length contraction and precession and inertia

by saderaladon



Category: Marilyn Manson (Band), Tim Sköld (Musician)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Issues, M/M, Melancholy, Misunderstandings, Okay I'm no shrink, Open Marriage, Open Marriage Issues, Oral Sex, Prostate Milking, Rimming, Stream of Consciousness, Stream of Subconscious, There're issues, Tim Skold does not have a beard kink, Unreliable Narrator, also, emotional distress, in the head, so like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21723064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saderaladon/pseuds/saderaladon
Summary: A long story of three times when they ran into each other and four times when they fucked.
Relationships: Ginger Fish/Tim Sköld
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Time dilation, length contraction and precession and inertia

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.
> 
> Let me just dump this one on you.  
> Here. Here you go.
> 
> What I also want to say is that I used some reality related things when composing this, but then I just threw them out of the window, so you're welcome to ignore that and I don't know anything about life anyway.
> 
> What I also want to say is that the nature of the story, of the main idea and the characters I use to tell it and the way I use them, that all of that can be seen as ~problematic~.  
> Here. I'm aware.  
> Just don't sue me because I am still not being paid for all the "fucking"s that I write.  
> I'm not being paid at all. I just write some stories.
> 
> Also, not a thing belongs to me. Nobody's real. Just characters. Just a story. Not representative of anything. Not even of my vocabulary. It's just a story about some things I want to dump on you. 
> 
> Enjoy. 
> 
> Oh, and it is sad.

*****

Tim is drunk when they run into each other at the festival. Not heavily. At least, that's what he says. Ginger doesn't really believe him.

"Ginj? Is that you?" Tim says, when they run into each other at the festival.

Or, rather, a voice says that behind Ginger's back, and Ginger jumps a little, and when he turns around the voice that said his name becomes Tim.

Tim drags him to some corner to smoke.

"You do smoke, don't you?" he asks.

"Not as much as before," Ginger says.

"Yeah, me too," Tim says and drags him away from the crowd, away from that place they ran into each other at.

They sit in some dusty plastic chairs, and Tim is restless and drunk and he smokes a lot, but maybe not as much as before, Tim is shifting and touching things with his fingers, Tim is glancing at people in the distance over his shoulder.

Tim reeks of beer.

"You're here with Zombie, right?" he asks.

"Yeah," Ginger says.

Tim has a solo project, if Ginger's not mistaken. Tim's solo project is not on the list of participants. Ginger wonders who Tim is here with. Ginger wonders if he should ask.

"And how is it going for you?" Tim speaks before he decides.

"Oh," Ginger smiles. "Really great." They haven't talked to each other for years. Six. Seven, maybe. "You know, it's like we're a team. And everybody is giving their best. I... I've never been happier."

He means it.

"Cool," Tim says, turning away to look at something in the distance again. "I'm glad for you."

He starts twisting the filter between his fingers.

"And you're here..." Ginger starts.

Tim shrugs.

"No, just... Whatever. Playing hasn't really been going well for me," he explains and leans forward, propping his chin on his elbows for a few seconds. "So no. Just visiting some friends."

Ginger nods.

Tim leans back again.

"Do you need to go anywhere?" he asks.

"No," Ginger shakes his head.

"Okay," Tim says. He licks his lips and rubs the back of his neck. "Want another one?" He offers Ginger another cigarette.

"No, thanks," Ginger says.

"Okay," Tim says and lights it up for himself. He checks his pockets, brushes something away from his pants.

All of this is a bit confusing.

"Is there a problem?" Ginger asks.

They aren't friends.

"No," Tim says and looks at him. "Why?"

"Don't know," Ginger says. "You seem... Are you alright?"

They've never been friends.

Tim scratches his ear. Tim shifts in the dusty plastic chair again.

"I guess," he says. "I mean... I've _been_ happier before."

Ginger smiles. Tim smokes in silence for a while, doing things with his lips and studying people in the distance.

"Have you seen Manson?" he asks.

"Here?"

"Yeah," Tim says. "Or in general."

"He isn't here this time. But yeah. We talk sometimes. I mean, we're in the same industry. So... Why?"

Tim messes up his hair.

"No reason," he says.

He throws away the cigarette without finishing it and turns to look at Ginger, eyes moving up and down. He shifts in his chair.

"We don't."

"What?"

"Talk. Me and Manson."

"Oh," Ginger exhales. He doesn't know where this conversation's going. "Why not?"

Tim makes a vague gesture and opens his package again and taps his fingers on it.

They've talked before. Not about anything important. They aren't friends. But they were colleagues. And Ginger's a drummer. And Tim played bass. And they did some programming too. They recorded albums and they played the shows and they worked together.

"I thought you were friends," Ginger says.

"Who?"

"You and Manson."

"Yeah," Tim shrugs.

He closes his package. He sighs. Ginger doesn't need to go anywhere, but he wonders if he should stay.

Tim shifts in his chair one more time, now getting closer. He reeks of beer.

"No, you know, I'm not alright," Tim starts, looking at the floor and then at Ginger. "Not really."

"No?" Ginger asks.

Tim wipes his mouth with his palm.

"I guess I am bitter or something," he says. "Sad. Angry. Something like that."

"At Manson?"

"No," Tim says. "I mean, yeah. Because fuck him. But no. Just... Life, I guess. Hasn't been very good for me recently."

"Is something wrong?" Ginger asks.

"No, it's just... Whatever," Tim says. "It's nothing serious anyway. I'm just a bit under the weather. You don't have to worry about it." He puffs out some air. "Sorry I even started."

"It's okay," Ginger says.

"Are you playing later?"

"No, not today," Ginger says. "Just hanging around, you know. They're having that party tonight. With... Something about turtles."

Tim frowns.

"Like a theme party," Ginger explains. "Are you gonna come?"

Tim lets out some sort of a sound.

"Don't think so," he says. "You?"

"Don't know yet," Ginger says. "Maybe."

"Hm."

Tim pulls out another cigarette. He stretches his legs for two or three seconds and then sits up again. He turns the cigarette in his fingers around a couple of times, looking at it.

"What do you do with your hair?" he asks next.

"Sorry?"

"Your hair," Tim gestures at Ginger's head. "Like do you do anything... special with it? Looks great."

"Oh," Ginger says.

Tim reeks of beer.

"I..." Ginger starts. "I mean, I wash it..."

Tim snorts out a laugh.

Ginger does do some other things with his hair, but this is weird. And they aren't even friends.

"And..." Ginger goes on. "Like... Why are you asking? Do you want to know what conditioner I buy?"

"God," Tim laughs again. "No. Just. Looks nice. Kinda soft."

Then Tim lifts his hand and touches him.

"Hm," he says, wrapping a strand around his finger. "Yeah. Soft."

He smiles.

Tim's hair is short and it is styled the same way it was when they still were colleagues. So it is combed back and covered with something sticky. Hair spray, probably. His eyes are a bit glassy. He isn't wearing any make up. He's smiling at Ginger while his fingers are touching his hair.

"What..." Ginger starts. "Are you drunk?"

Tim opens his mouth for a second and stops moving his hand. He tilts away from Ginger and tries to find a new position.

"No," he says, coming to a halt in his chair. "I've had a couple of beers. Why?”

He moves again, he lifts his hand again and Ginger’s hair is between his fingers again.

And that is why. Because they ran into each other at the festival and Tim dragged him into a corner with dusty plastic chairs and they’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes already. Because Tim reeks of beer and tobacco and he isn’t even playing. And they aren’t friends. And Ginger doesn’t know what Tim wants from him. Doesn’t know what this strange conversation is about.

Because he’s touching his hair and saying _hm_ and smiling.

Because you don’t do things like that. You don’t do things like that like this.

“Are you,” Ginger says. “Are you coming onto me?”

Because you don’t do it like this.

“Hm,” Tim says. “Yeah, I guess.”

Tim is drunk.

“You’re drunk,” Ginger says.

Ginger doesn’t move away. Tim’s fingers are still in his hair.

“I'm not,” Tim insists. “I’ve just had a couple of beers with the guys who invited me here. I am not drunk.”

Tim’s fingers are still in his hair.

“You’re...” Ginger says.

Tim is still touching him.

“Am I offending you?” Tim asks.

“What?” Ginger frowns a little. “No. Of course not.”

It’s not about Tim being a guy.

“Hm,” Tim says. “Okay. I mean, I can back off. If I am like... barking up the wrong tree.”

It's not that either, because, well. He's slept with guys. He's not straight. He's known that for at least twenty five years. That's not an issue. He's bisexual. That's alright. That's not a problem.

"No, I am—" Ginger says. "I mean..."

"Do you wanna go somewhere?" Tim asks.

Ginger lifts his hand. He doesn't move away.

Because it's just. It's not how you do this.

"I..." Ginger says and looks at Tim's fingers in his hair and his own fingers are now close to them. "Can you stop that?"

"Shit," Tim says and stops. He drops his hand and shifts in the chair and lets out some sounds with some air. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's okay," Ginger says. "It's not like that."

"Oh," Tim says. "Okay."

"You're drunk."

Tim sighs and semi rolls his eyes and then they are on Ginger's face again and on his hair too.

"Look, I'm seriously not," he says. "I just... I saw you in the crowd and wanted to say hi, and then we talked, and I really like your hair, and you aren't playing today, so I thought maybe we could, you know, go somewhere. Like my hotel is not far from here."

So that's what Tim says.

Ginger doesn't believe him. Tim's eyes are glassy and he reeks of beer and he isn't playing at the festival at all and they were colleagues, but it's not like they really know each other, they weren't friends, they just worked together, and this is definitely not how you do it. They didn't talk. They just sat in the dusty plastic chairs.

So Tim is drunk.

"But whatever," Tim continues. "Sorry I brought it up. I just... You know, haven't been feeling very well lately." He takes his cigarette package in his hand. "I hope I didn't mess stuff up here." He gets up. "I'll just get out of your face, okay?"

"No," Ginger says and gets up too. "It's alright. I am not... I am alright. It's not a problem. You didn't mess up anything."

It's not like there is anything to mess up. They aren't close. They haven't talked to each other for six years. Or seven. They are former colleagues who ran into each other at the festival. They are in the same industry.

"Okay," Tim says. "Thanks. I'm still gonna go, alright?"

Ginger nods.

"I'm not much use here today anyway," Tim goes on. "I'll just go for a ride or something."

"So you aren't staying for the party?" Ginger asks.

"No," Tim shakes his head. "I'm not into turtles." Ginger smiles. "So like, see you around? I mean, you guys have a couple more gigs, right?"

"Yeah," Ginger says.

"Okay," Tim says and smiles too. "I'm gonna fuck off then. And sorry again. Just forget what I said."

So that's what Tim says. Ginger doesn't say anything, he shrugs or maybe it is something else, he just moves his shoulders and his hands and it is a gesture of some kind, and maybe it even conveys something, but most likely not, because it is vague, and then Tim walks away, Tim waves his hand at him and walks away.

*****

Tim says he's hungry when they run into each other at the festival again.

Ginger doesn't see him around for some time. Tim's not playing at the festival. Tim just calls him by his name in the crowd again and asks _how is it going_ and says he's hungry and asks if Ginger wants to grab a bite.

So they leave the crowd and they get some take out and sit in clean plastic chairs and talk. Tim throws fries in his mouth and tells him about his solo project. Ginger asks him about it. And about his other shared projects.

"We finished with the production like five or six months ago," Tim says and dips the fries in sauce and throws them in his mouth. "And the guys did most of the promotion. So yeah. Wasn't bad. I'm glad I did it."

Ginger nods and sips his coke.

"And the solo thing..." Tim goes on. "You know, I did some writing this May. Sat in the studio every day. And then I just kinda stopped. So it's been on hold since then."

"Oh," Ginger says. "So what have you been doing?"

Tim shrugs.

"Don't know," he says. "Not much. Helped some guys. Went to Spain. Spent time with Erin. That's my wife. So mostly nothing, actually. Resting."

"It's good sometimes," Ginger says. "I mean, sometimes you just need to rest and take time for yourself."

Tim makes a sound. Then he sighs.

"That's..." he says. "Yeah, maybe. Though probably not true for me. I am more of a workaholic. And you're kinda too, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," Ginger says.

"So..." Tim says. "It probably isn't resting that I need. Just... Stuff hasn't been working out. Don't really know what I want to do. And don't really want anything too."

Ginger makes a sound.

"Like not even playing," Tim continues. "Those guys. Who invited me here. They offered me to play guitar at some of their shows. And I'm just..."

"Not up to it?"

"Yeah," Tim says. "Kinda like that. And it's not the guys. The guys are great. And their music's good. And I'm here anyway, so it makes sense to play. But... I don't wanna do it. I'm not in the mood."

"Are you—" Ginger starts saying.

He wants to say _are you depressed_. Well, not _wants_ to, but this also makes sense. And he would've, he would've said that because it makes sense, but they are just former colleagues and they aren't close, they simply ran into each other at the festival because they are in the same industry and Tim offered him to grab some food and they are chatting. And last time Tim was drunk and said some things and touched his hair and he shouldn't have, he shouldn't have done it, because that doesn't make sense, because that is not how things are done, but it's alright, he said Ginger should forget about it and he said he's sorry, so Ginger did, and now they are eating fries and chatting.

"What?" Tim asks.

"Uhm," Ginger says and picks up the can again and takes another sip. "Nothing. Just... Whatever."

Tim smiles.

"Yeah, you're right," he says and sighs. "Fuck this gloomy stuff. It's just a phase."

That's not what Ginger meant.

"I'm glad you're doing well," Tim goes on. "That family thing, does it work for you?"

Ginger frowns a little.

"Oh, right, not a family, team," Tim corrects himself. "With Zombie, I mean."

"Ah," Ginger says. "Yeah. Yeah, it's been great. They are great guys. Rob is... I didn't know him when I joined the band. But he is amazing. You know, like the way he deals with problems. They get solved, you know."

Tim smiles again and nods and dips another fry in sauce.

"And he hires the best people," Ginger says. "And John... Well, we've been friends with him since—"

"Yeah, forever," Tim says.

"Right," Ginger says. "So that was easy. And he is so good at what he does. Like, everybody is, actually. They get things done. Like everybody does their share. And..." He laughs a little. "Well, maybe not me. I am a bit of a lazy one with these guys. They just wake up and start working. I don't even know when they sleep. I feel like I do all the time."

"Well, resting is important, as you said," Tim says.

Ginger laughs again.

"Yeah," he says. "And I rest for all four of us. But it's great. I'm really happy with everything. Like, the music and how it all works between us and the techs we get and just everything."

"That's nice," Tim says. He leans back in his plastic chair and stops chewing the fries. "And the music too. It is really good. You did some experimenting on the last album."

"Ah, yeah," Ginger nods. "I didn't have much to do with that, though. I didn't write anything. Just did some programming. Well, and drumming."

"Right, let's not forget the drumming," Tim says and smirks a little.

Ginger picks up the can of coke and takes two sips and puts it down again.

"But yeah, there was like this new sound on some songs," he says. "I like it. It's kinda cool. We played some of those songs just last week."

"Hm," Tim says. "Sorry, I didn't... You know, didn't see you guys. With this... Gloomy stuff of mine. But yeah, everybody's saying you've been great. And your show too. People talk about it all the time."

"Yeah," Ginger says. "I mean, I am not really involved with that either. Drummer's fate."

Tim pulls out his cigarette package.

"Well, you still follow the style," he says, pointing with his eyes. "Hats. Beards. Hair." He lights up a cigarette. "Looks cool." He takes a drag. "Suits you."

"Ah," Ginger says.

Tim's eyes are still on him.

Tim's still looking.

Tim isn't drunk and now isn't even hungry, because they ran into each other and Tim asked him if he wanted to grab a bite and they did and they've been talking and now Tim's looking at his hair again and at his face and at him.

"Fuck," Tim says. "Fuck. Sorry. I'm being obnoxious again."

"Uhm, no," Ginger says. "It's alright, you didn't... And you were..."

"Look," Tim says and sighs. "That stuff I said. I... I meant it. I wasn't just, you know, talking out of my ass. You look fucking great. And I... Well."

Tim isn't drunk, Tim's been eating fries. Tim takes a drag and holds the cigarette in his hand and leans closer, Tim looks at him again. Tim looks like he wants to touch his hair again.

"I'd love to go somewhere with you," Tim says. "And I hope I am not being annoying, okay? Just... If you're not into it, then I'll shut up. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. And sorry for touching you without asking first."

He does make him uncomfortable. It's not about touching and not asking first. It's not about that. Well, it is a bit, because you shouldn't do it, you should ask first, of course. But it's not that. It's just that he asked him if he wanted to go somewhere and touched his hair and then told him to forget it and Ginger did, so now they are sitting in clean plastic chairs and they've been eating fast food and Ginger talked about the album and they are former colleagues, and then Tim just brought it up again, Tim said _hair_ and started looking and he is still doing that.

He isn't touching him, he's just looking.

"But yeah, I'd love to," Tim goes on. "That would be really nice. If you, you know. If we just went somewhere and... I don't mean anything... bad, I don't want to offend you, just, you know, I am so glad we've talked and I really like you, you do look great, so like, if you are okay with that, then we could just go. If you aren't too busy, I mean. Like my hotel or something. What do you think?"

Ginger thinks they didn't talk. They were just chatting about his album and Tim's projects and Tim seems a bit depressed, but Ginger didn't ask him that, because they are just former colleagues and they aren't friends, and last time Tim touched his hair and said _hm_ and smiled and now he brought it up again, and it's not offensive, of course, it's not, it's not a problem, it happened to him before, people hit on him before and he did too, that happened many times, so it is not anything bad, it's just Tim's still looking at his hair like he wants to touch it and they've been eating fries and now he is opening and closing his cigarette package all the time.

"I..." Ginger says. "You're married."

He is and his wife's called Erin and Ginger remembers her, she isn't very tall and she has black hair, and Tim just mentioned her ten minutes ago, he said he'd spent some time with her and reminded Ginger who she was and then he talked about Ginger's hair again and said he's sorry and that he didn't want to be obnoxious and now he is asking him if he wants to go somewhere with him.

"Yeah," Tim frowns. "But not like that. I mean..." He makes a face. "I play in fucking bands. It's not like that. We're not exclusive." He puts down his cigarette package he's been opening and closing. "And I mean, you're married too, right?"

He is and it's not like that either, of course, it isn't, because he plays in bands too and they've talked about it, and it's been years since he understood he didn't want to be married like that and he shouldn't try exclusive, so he is married and they talked it over and it is not like that, he doesn't want to cheat and there are always fans and there are always drugs and alcohol and parties, he plays in bands and he isn't jealous, he thinks it should be fair and it is, and things have happened, because there have been fans and his wife slept with people too, so it's like this, they are not exclusive, it's not like that, that's not a problem.

"Yeah," Ginger nods.

"And it's not..." Tim says. "You're not exclusive either, right? I mean, you play in bands."

"It's not," Ginger says.

"So..." Tim says and leans back and rubs the back of his neck. "That's not a problem, yeah?"

Ginger shakes his head.

"So we could," Tim says and shifts and leans forward and looks at him. "You know, go somewhere. If you want that, of course. I don't want to... I like you, so I thought. But if that's not... I don't want to be offensive. You just look great and I am not doing anything and you aren't busy too, so I thought why not. You aren't busy, right?"

Ginger isn't. He was hanging around in the crowd and Tim called his name and said he was hungry and they grabbed a bite and talked about albums and he isn't busy now, he isn't doing anything, and Tim just asked him if he wants to go somewhere, Tim asked him what he thinks, and it's not offensive and it's not a problem, it's just that's not how you do this.

"No," Ginger says.

It's just he's not comfortable with it and it's not the chairs, it's just Tim is looking at his hair and at him, looking like he wants to touch him, and they just talked about albums and Tim's been throwing fries in his mouth and then he brought up that stuff he'd said, the stuff he said last time when he was drunk.

"Okay," Tim says. "So do you think we could go somewhere? That... I think that would be nice."

He isn't drunk now.

"I..." Ginger starts. "Look, I..."

"Fuck," Tim says and wipes his mouth with his hand and lifts his hand and makes a gesture, showing his palm. "I'm just being a shit again, aren't I? Fuck, sorry." It isn't that. "Just... Forget that I asked, okay? I haven't been myself lately."

"Okay," Ginger says. "It's alright. I'm not—"

"Yeah?" Tim says. "Okay. Sorry. I just was glad to see you and... Fuck, whatever. I'm sorry I brought it up again. I didn't want to put you on the spot. Sorry for this bullshit."

It is alright. It's not that and it isn't bullshit, it's alright and not a problem and he didn't put him on the spot and now he isn't looking anymore, he isn't looking at his hair like he wants to touch it, he turned away for a brief second and he's looking in the distance and his cigarette package is yet again in his hand, and he didn't touch him this time without asking, he didn't touch him and he asked, he asked if Ginger thought they could go somewhere and if Ginger's married and if it's like that and if he was busy, and Ginger's not, and it is really alright, it's not a problem.

"It's okay," Ginger says. "You didn't. It's fine, I'm... I am alright."

"Okay," Tim looks at him again and nods. He doesn't look at him like he wants to touch him anymore and he didn't touch him. "Thanks." He puffs out some air and wipes his forehead. "Wanna smoke?" He offers him the package.

So Ginger takes a cigarette and Tim takes one too and lights it up and smokes, and Ginger doesn't, because he doesn't smoke as much as before and he said that and Tim said he didn't too.

"Have you tried that program, by the way," Tim starts. "God, what was it called..."

Tim puffs out the smoke and says _by the way_ and asks him about the new program that he tried, so Ginger says he has and says its name and Tim says _yeah, right, that one_ and they talk about it, they talk about programming, because they've both done it and they both tried it, they sit in clean plastic chairs and talk about music and Tim smokes and glances at some people in the distance from time to time, and this is all alright, there's no problem and Ginger's not offended, and Tim says _see you around_ when they leave, he doesn't say he's sorry again, and that's fine too, that's good, because it's not a problem and it isn't bullshit and Ginger is okay with this, he plays in bands, and Tim says he'll try to come and see them play and leaves his fries on the plastic chair and says _see you around_ and leaves himself.

*****

The festival is over when they run into each other.

They run into each other near the bank and it's October and Ginger hasn't seen Tim since the festival, hasn't seen him since that time Tim offered him to grab a bite, they haven't talked and Tim wasn't there, Ginger didn't see him anymore and he thought he must have left because he wasn't playing.

So they run into each other one more time, or maybe this is the first time they actually run into each other, because before that they were at the festival and Tim wasn't playing, but they are in the same industry and people talk when they are in the same industry, and they hadn't with Tim, they hadn't talked for six or seven years till they met at the festival, but people do, and Ginger talks to Manson, because they both make music and they play shows and they are former colleagues, and they are former colleagues with Tim too.

They run into each other near the bank in October, and Tim calls him by his name and waves at him when he turns around, and Tim's not there to go to the bank, Tim was at some other place not far from there and then he just walked around, because he didn't know what to do, he didn't want to go home yet, and Ginger's there for the bank and as he exits it and checks his pockets Tim calls him by his name.

"Yeah, I just left," Tim says, leaning on the wall.

They walked down the street a bit and now they're standing near a building and Tim's leaning on the wall and holding a cigarette package in his hand. He isn't smoking, there is a sign that says you can't smoke there, but he looks like he really wants to, and he is leaning on the wall and Ginger's standing next to him and Tim's explaining to him why he hasn't seen him since that last time they talked.

"Just figured, you know, that I wasn't playing," Tim continues. "So what was the point in staying there. And the guys... Well, they didn't really need me for anything there, they just invited me to hang out or maybe play, but since I didn't wanna do that... So yeah, I just left."

"Ah," Ginger says. "Well, that's alright. You didn't have to stay. If you were not feeling well."

"Yeah, I guess," Tim says. "I guess I wasn't. Sorry I missed all your shows. Just didn't wanna do anything, you know."

"That's okay," Ginger says. "It's not like you had to."

"Yeah, no," Tim smiles. "But I was there anyway. Well, whatever. Kinda late now. But I've read some articles. That last show you did was really good."

"Oh, yeah," Ginger says. "The crowd was good too. You know, that's important."

Tim nods.

"And what have you been up to after that?" he asks and looks away and opens his cigarette package and pulls at the cigarettes one after another.

"Uhm..." Ginger says. "Well, we took some time off. And we did a video. But that was fast. And then... Oh, then we went to Rio."

"Oh, nice," Tim says and straightens up and then leans on the wall again with his shoulder. "I love Rio. Great city."

"Oh, yeah," Ginger says. "But we didn't spend much time there. Just went for the job. I thought about staying longer or maybe, you know, getting there before the guys, but it didn't work out."

"Hm," Tim says. "Well, you can always go again, right?"

"Yeah," Ginger says. "And what about you?"

"Ah?"

"I mean, after the festival. Like, what have you been doing?"

"Oh, that," Tim says. "Fuck." He scratches the back of his head and sighs. "Nothing. I'm still feeling... Down. Just tired all the time. So yeah. Not much. No Rio."

"Oh," Ginger says. "Sorry to hear that."

"Ah, whatever," Tim says. "It'll pass. Just a shitty period. It's life. It happens sometimes."

"Okay," Ginger says. "I see." Tim smoothes down his hair. "Are you going somewhere now?"

Tim shrugs.

"Don't know," he says. "I mean, I've already dealt with that lawyer thing... You know, that place near the bank."

"Yeah, I got it," Ginger says. "Did you leave your car there?"

He thinks that maybe they should go back.

"Oh, no," Tim says. "No car. Came in a taxi. There's this, like check engine thing. Something with the wiring, I think. I need to have it fixed. But well. I haven't. So."

"Do you want me to give you a lift?" Ginger asks.

It's not that he needs to go somewhere either. He's already dealt with the bank.

"No, no, there's no need," Tim says. "You don't have to. It's not very close. Where do you live now? It's not on your way, I don't think so. I think it's like the other side of town."

So Ginger tells him where he lives now and yes, Tim's house is on the other side of town, it is not close to the bank and it is not close to where Ginger lives.

"Oh, okay," Ginger says.

"Well, thanks anyway," Tim says and straightens his jacket and opens his cigarette package. "Hey, do you like want to grab a coffee or something? I really need to fucking smoke."

Ginger says _okay_ and they walk back and find a place where Tim can smoke and they buy some coffee and they stand next to each other and Tim drinks his coffee and smokes two cigarettes and Ginger doesn't, Ginger sips his coffee Tim buys for him a few times.

He doesn't really want coffee.

It's just Tim looks restless, Tim looks lost, Tim looks depressed, and they aren't friends, but they are former colleagues and he isn't busy, he'd exited the bank already when Tim called him by his name, and it's not hard and it's just coffee and Tim's smoking, it's not an issue, and Tim looks better after he smokes two cigarettes.

Tim throws away the coffee cup and clears his throat and smiles and then looks at Ginger.

Ginger smiles back.

"I thought that was, you know, a stage thing," Tim says, gesturing at Ginger's beard. "But it's not, right?"

"What?" Ginger asks.

"The beard," Tim says. "And the hair. And all this... pirate look."

Fuck.

"Ah," Ginger says. "Yeah, no. I... I like it."

"Hm," Tim says. "I just remember that you shaved before. I mean, you had beards sometimes, but then you shaved. So I thought that was for the festival or something. Don't know."

"Uhm, no," Ginger says.

They ran into each other, they actually ran into each other near the bank and they walked down the street and Tim looked lost and depressed and then they had some coffee and now it's this again.

If it is.

Tim isn't drunk or on something, he looks alright now, better than he did before when they met near the bank, and he looks at Ginger, at his beard and at his hair and at his face and it's the same thing again, is it the same thing again.

"Looks good on you," Tim says. "Like, you look really well. I don't just mean the style. Kinda... healthy, you know?"

And it's been months since the last time, it's been at least two months, and Tim told him to forget about it and he did, he played drums at the festival and he did a video and he went to Rio and he forgot about it, but now it's that same thing again and Tim is looking at him like he's been looking at his cigarettes, and Tim is talking about his beard like he was talking about his hair.

"I mean, I am not saying you looked sick before," Tim goes on. "Or bad, you know. Just, it really suits you. And you look great. Do you like exercise or something?"

He isn't touching him. His hands are in his pockets.

"Uhm, yeah," Ginger says. "But I've always done that. I guess, it's probably just less drinking. And less smoking. And less late nights. You know, the guys, they start really early, so I..."

"Ah," Tim says and nods. "That's great. I've tried cutting the smoking too. And I did." He looks down for a second. "Well, I obviously smoke now. So like not in the last months. Because of that... old fuck crisis of mine or whatever this is. But yeah, before that I did."

Ginger smiles.

And maybe it isn't that.

Maybe they are just chatting.

And if they weren't, that wouldn't be a problem too, just maybe a bit annoying, but not really, because it's not like Tim said anything bad or offensive, they just ran into each other and they walked around a bit and they drank some coffee and Tim wondered if his beard was for work or his personal decision and then they talked about their bad habits and that's it.

Tim isn't asking him if he wants to go somewhere.

"Yeah, that's... That's good," Ginger says. "And I hope you're gonna get better soon."

"Thanks," Tim says and sighs and wipes his face with his hands he pulls out of his pockets. "Fuck, I guess I should go now."

"Do you need to do something else?" Ginger asks.

"No, just..." Tim says. "I'll probably go home. I thought maybe I'll think of something and go there, but no, nothing comes to mind and I don't really wanna do anything. So yeah, I'll just go home and listen to something."

"Ah, okay," Ginger says.

It seems it wasn't that.

"You sure you don't want me to give you a lift?" he asks.

Because it isn't hard and he isn't busy anyway and Tim looks better than before, but still a bit lost and tired, and they aren't friends, of course, but they talk sometimes.

"Yeah, it's fine, I don't want to be a nuisance," Tim says. "You don't have to."

"It's alright," Ginger says. "I mean, I don't have anything to do right now. So if you want..."

"Yeah?" Tim asks.

"Yeah, sure," Ginger says.

"Okay," Tim says. "Thanks. Then... Should we go?"

So Tim says that and they walk a bit further and Ginger gets his car he came to the bank in and they drive to the other part of town and talk about songs that are playing on the radio that Tim turns on. And he asks first if he can, and Ginger says he can, so they talk about songs while they're driving to Tim's house that's not close to the bank where they ran into each other.

Ginger parks the car and Tim nods and checks his pockets and pats them and then nods again.

"All good," he says. "Thank you."

"No problem," Ginger says.

"So I'm gonna go," Tim says and puts his hand on the handle. "Or do you... Do you wanna come in?"

"Uhm," Ginger says.

Or maybe it's an _ah_ or a _hm_ or just a sound, because he's not sure what Tim's asking him about, because they ran into each other at the festival and Tim offered him to go somewhere and touched his hair and said he looked great, and then he said _forget about it_ and _sorry_ and it's okay, he didn't really have to, because it's not like he said something bad and Ginger's not offended and Tim is not obnoxious, just drunk and lost and tired and it's okay anyway, and he forgot about it, because it's not a problem, but now he's not sure what Tim is asking him, because this time they ran into each other near the bank and walked down the street and talked a bit and had some coffee and Tim asked him about his beard and looked at him, but he didn't touch him and he didn't look at him like that, probably he didn't, maybe it's not that.

"Have you been to my house before?" Tim asks, frowning a little. "I don't remember. I think we mostly hanged out at Manson's."

Okay. So it's not.

"Uhm," Ginger says. "No, I guess not. At least I don't remember it. But then again it's been so long."

"Hm, yeah," Tim says. "So... Do you wanna come in? Or do you need to go?"

"I..." Ginger says. "Yeah, okay. I'm not busy."

"Okay," Tim nods and puts his hand on the handle and opens the door.

And they get out of the car that Ginger parked near Tim's house and Tim looks for his keys and he's a bit restless and he says _fuck_ and _sorry_ and _my memory sucks nowadays_ and then he finds them in his jeans after searching his jacket and they get into the house.

The house is dark.

They get in and Tim locks the door and waits till Ginger takes off his jacket and it is dark in there and it is dark in the room Tim shows Ginger to, because all the curtains are drawn and Tim doesn't turn on the light.

Well, he's about to, but then he stops.

"Oh, shit, no," he says and stops. "Let's go upstairs, okay? I've fucking forgot again. It's fucking messy here. And I made it worse this morning. Fuck. God, I'm such a mess right now."

"Oh, okay," Ginger says.

"Fuck, I'm just happy Erin doesn't get pissed off with me for this," Tim says. "I am a bit hard to put up with these days. You know, not fully here."

"Oh," Ginger says. "Sorry."

"Yeah, whatever," Tim says. "I have a two-storied house for a reason. Let's just go upstairs."

"Okay," Ginger nods in the darkness of Tim's two-storied house. "And Erin... She isn't home?"

"Ah, no," Tim says and shakes his head. "She went out with some friends of her. Should be back after seven, I think. We agreed we'd cook together today. You know, make something nice. And spend some time together. Talk and everything."

"That's good," Ginger says.

"Yeah," Tim says. "Come on."

So Tim says _come on_ and they go upstairs and it is dark in there too and they pass two doors and Tim opens the third one and lets Ginger in and says _just give me a second_ and goes to the window and opens the curtains that are drawn here too and then the room is lit and it is big and somewhat empty and it isn't messy and it's obvious that nobody lives there, because the room is a guest bedroom.

Fuck.

Tim opens the curtains and says _alright_ and makes a gesture that conveys that now it isn't dark in here and Ginger just stands near the chair and fuck. Fuck.

Then Tim takes stuff out of his pockets and puts it on the table and pats them and turns to Ginger and then smiles.

"Do you want anything?" he asks and rubs the back of his neck. "Like, I've got some beer in the fridge." He points downstairs. "Or I donno, there should be some coke or something."

Oh. Okay. So it's not that.

"No, thanks," Ginger says, because he doesn't really want to drink anything, he just isn't thirsty and they had coffee, they ran into each other near the bank and talked and Tim was smoking and said thank you for giving him a lift and then he said he was going to have dinner with his wife and that he's not easy to put up with nowadays and that he'd made a mess and now they are in the room for guests that is big and clean and somewhat empty and Tim doesn't live here, Tim asks him if he wants a drink.

And Ginger doesn't.

"Okay," Tim says and picks up the cigarette package off the table he put it on and then puts it back down again.

Ginger's standing near the chair and he is thinking if he should just sit down and then they'll talk and Tim'll smoke, because they just ran into each other and they walked around a bit and Ginger gave Tim a lift and Tim invited Ginger in, Tim seems lost and tired and depressed and all the curtains in his house are drawn and he said he was a mess and he forgets things.

"Okay," Tim says again and Ginger thinks he should sit down in that chair he's standing next to, but he can't, he doesn't have the time, because Tim says _okay_ and comes close to him, comes way too close to him, he smiles and he puts his hand in Ginger's hair.

Fuck.

Tim kisses him.

It's not how you do things.

It isn't bad and it's not a problem, it's alright and Ginger kisses Tim back, because that's what you do, because it's nice and warm and Tim breathes in his mouth and cups his head and caresses his hair, it isn't bad and it is not offensive, it's just not how you do things, not things like this, you don't just tell your former colleagues that you like them and offer them to go somewhere, you don't touch their hair and say it's soft, you don't touch anybody's hair without asking first, you don't do things like that, you don't invite people in your house and tell them that your wife is coming back after seven and that you're making dinner, you don't bring guests into bedrooms and you don't kiss them without asking.

But Tim does.

Tim kisses him, Tim puts his hand in his hair and waits a bit, just one or two heartbeats and then he leans in and kisses him and Ginger kisses him back and Tim puffs out air in his mouth.

Then Tim pulls away.

"Hm," he says and smiles and looks at Ginger, or maybe not, maybe it's not _hm_ , it's just a sound, but it is soft and warm and Tim is smiling, Tim lifts his hand and puts it on his chin, Tim's hands now in his hair and his beard. "Can I..." Tim starts. "Can I untie it?" He asks and he means his beard, because it is tied up, because there're three bright hairties around it.

"I..." Ginger says and that, that doesn't mean anything, doesn't say anything he thinks.

"God," Tim says and chuckles. "I sound like a fucking pervert."

Tim kisses him again and both his hands are in his hair now and Tim is close, Tim is way too close, their chests are touching and Tim is touching him as well.

"Can I, though?" Tim asks when they part. "It's nothing weird, okay? Just wanna see how it looks."

Ginger doesn't really understand what he is asking him about.

"Uhm," he says.

Tim puts his fingers on the three bright hairties.

So it's his beard.

"Okay," Ginger says.

His beard is not what he thinks about.

He thinks it's not how any of this is done and that Tim's not drunk, Tim doesn't reek of beer, Tim smells like cigarettes and skin and a bit of sweat, Tim's so close Ginger can smell him, Tim's so close and they aren't even friends, not that it has anything to do with this, but they aren't and they haven't talked for six or seven years, they haven't talked for two months, Tim touched his hair and said he's sorry for doing that and told him to forget about it and called himself obnoxious and then he left and Ginger didn't see him after that, they just ran into each other on the street, for fuck's sake, and Tim looked a bit lost and tired and maybe he's depressed, because he isn't playing and he left the festival and he's pissed at Manson and all the curtains in his house are drawn and his wife has to put up with the mess he makes downstairs and his fingers are pulling the three bright hairties off Ginger's beard, they've pulled them off and now Tim is touching it and combing it and his fingers are brushing against his chin, and his other hand is on the back of Ginger's neck, in his hair, it is moving in slow circles, and what the fuck is he doing, what the fuck are they doing, what the fuck is _he_ doing.

"Hm," Tim says. "Nice."

Tim says that and kisses him again and pulls away and cups his face and his fingers trace his jaw line, his fingers touch his lips, touch his hair, and Tim's face doesn't look like it did before, Tim doesn't look like he did before, because they haven't talked for six or seven years, but it isn't wrinkled, it's just his skin is a bit too dry and a bit more thin, and his face doesn't look like it looked before, Tim doesn't look tired anymore, Tim looks, Tim looks aroused, he's a bit flushed and his eyes are moving just like his fingers on Ginger's face and on Ginger's neck and in Ginger's hair and in Ginger's beard, Tim bites his lips and smells of sweat and tobacco, Tim's way too close to him, Tim's body's hot and somewhat anxious, restless, wired, Tim's body makes him shiver, it is as if they are about to go on stage, that's what this is like, but they aren't, they are not in the same band anymore and they haven't been in the same band for six or seven years and they are in Tim's house, in the guest bedroom, and Tim kisses him one more time, Tim's hands are on his neck and his shoulders, anxious, restless, wired, hot, and Tim is looking at him, Tim says _fuck_ and Tim drops his hand, Tim squeezes it between their bodies that are way too close, he puts his hand on Ginger's cock.

Ginger's wearing jeans and his cock is hard and Tim's hand is on it.

"Fuck," he says and Tim lets him go.

"Oh, shit, sorry," Tim says and lets him go, and what, what does he mean by that, what is going on in here, what the fuck is he doing.

And what he is doing is dragging him closer to the bed.

"Oh, shit, sorry," Tim says and lets him go and takes his hand and drags him to the bed. "I get fucking dumb sometimes. Come on."

And this is even more confusing, because what is he even saying and where is he dragging him to and what the fuck is going on, what the actual fuck, they just ran into each other near the bank and that's not how you do this, you don't just ask people if they want to go somewhere, you don't bring them into the guest bedrooms, you don't do this if you aren't drunk and maybe Tim wasn't, maybe Tim wasn't drunk that first time, maybe he did just have a couple of beers, maybe, but now he is dragging him to the bed and taking off his T-shirt and throwing it away and then his hands are on him again, on his neck and his shoulders and his chest and arms and he pulls Ginger's T-shirt off him and his hands are on him, they are on his skin and Tim is smiling.

"Fuck, you feel so nice," he says, a bit breathless, a bit flushed, he is aroused and they are close and they are half naked and Tim is touching him. "Maybe I do fucking need to know what conditioner you buy."

Tim says that and laughs again and kisses him again and what, what, what. He kisses him again and then his hands are unbuckling his belt and pulling his pants and his boxers off, his socks too, and Tim drops on his knees briefly and it doesn't register, it is all too fast and it is not, it's not how this is done, you don't fucking do this, but Tim does, Tim does this in his own house in the guest bedroom he brought Ginger in, because he made a mess downstairs, a mess his wife — Erin — has to put up with, and in the evening he'll cook dinner with her, but now he is on his feet again and he is taking off his own pants and he isn't wearing underwear, it is just jeans, and he forgets to take off his socks and swears, he says _fuck I'm dumb_ and pulls them off, he pushes Ginger on the bed and pulls off his socks and gets on top of him and they are naked, they are fucking naked and way too close and they just ran into each other near the bank and that was two hours ago and they didn't even talk, they just walked down the street and Tim had some coffee.

"God, and I thought I was skinny," Tim says, lifting his naked body off Ginger's naked body and touching him, looking at him, smiling at him, and then he lowers himself, lowers his naked body on Ginger's naked body, restless, anxious, wired, hot, he kisses him and his face, his jaw line and his beard, he puts his fingers in Ginger's hair and kisses him on the lips and breathes in his mouth and his naked body is vibrating on Ginger's naked body and Tim is hot and smells of sweat and their cocks are touching and their chests are touching and their thighs are touching and Tim lies between his legs and Ginger spreads them, Ginger does, because it is more comfortable and because all of this is alright, it's not a problem and he is almost fifty and he plays in fucking bands, he's done this many times and it's alright, it's just it's not how you do this and he just gave Tim a fucking lift, he just drove him home, that's all he did, he doesn't do anything else, doesn't do a thing, he doesn't even move, he is the most useless drummer, he is a handless drummer, he is just lying there under Tim and Tim is touching him, Tim's touching him all the fucking time and Ginger's not, not with his useless hands, but Tim is.

Tim sits up and kisses his naked body, kisses his skin he said felt nice, kisses his skin like he's been touching his hair he said was soft, he kisses his chest and his stomach and his thighs and he sits up and he kisses Ginger's knees that Ginger bends, he smiles and he squeezes Ginger's cock and wraps his fingers around it and moves his hand several times and he bites his lips, his face is flushed a little and he blinks and his nose wrinkles and his forehead wrinkles too, just slightly, just between his eyebrows, and he looks at Ginger and his hand is on Ginger's cock and they haven't talked for six or seven years and Ginger's never been to his house before, but that's where he is now, he's lying on the bed.

Ginger lets out a sound when Tim puts his hand on his cock and this sound is a moan and it doesn't convey anything, anything he's thinking, and Tim says _yeah?_

"Yeah?" Tim says and what the fuck does he even mean.

"Wait, just move a little," Tim says and Ginger does, because Tim helps him, because it is alright and not a problem, because he plays in bands and he drinks and he used to drink much more and there were parties and he's been in people's guest fucking bedrooms and in the houses he's never been to before and wouldn't be able to tell the address of, he doesn't remember some of those people's names and probably confuses some of them, he is a fucking drummer and he plays in bands and that's alright, it's just Tim does, Tim remembers his name and Ginger knows his and they are former colleagues and they aren't friends, it's just Tim helps him move up the bed and sits between his bent knees and runs his palms over his inner thighs and bites his lips and it feels fucking nice and tingles run over his skin, it makes him hard and it makes him moan and that's alright too, that's not a problem.

He moves up a little and Tim sits between his bent knees and bends himself and kisses his inner thighs and Ginger's ticklish and it's Tim's breath and Ginger's hard and it's Tim's breath, Tim puts his hands around his thighs and his fingers move on his skin in slow circles, Tim bends himself and lets out sounds and licks his cock and licks his balls and licks his hole.

"Fuck," Ginger says.

Tim licks his hole and holds his thighs and lets out sounds and it is nice, it makes him hard and makes him moan, it is amazing and it's not a problem, Tim licks his hole and knows his name and they were colleagues and it's okay, it's not an issue and he's done it before, he's done it many times, Ginger slept with guys and licked their holes and they licked his, Ginger slept with girls and licked their holes and they licked his, it's not about this, it doesn't bother him and he knew their names and sometimes he didn't, it's just this is not how you do this, you don't invite people to come in and bring them into the guest bedroom, you don't just put your face between their legs without asking.

Tim licks his hole and it is nice, it is amazing, Tim lifts his head and asks, and Ginger's head is heavy, Ginger's head is spinning, Ginger's head is full of thoughts, it's all too fast and two hours ago they ran into each other near the bank, it's way too fast and they've just been kissing, Tim kissed him for the first time, Tim kissed him when he brought him into the guest bedroom and now it is this, now he's licking him and he didn't even ask and that's not, not how you do it.

"Is this alright?" Tim asks.

Tim lifts his head and asks that and it is and what does he even mean. What does he mean.

Because it is alright, of course, it is alright, they play in fucking bands and they aren't straight and it isn't bad, it's not offensive and it isn't anybody's business, it's just a thing you do sometimes when you sleep with people, it's just this is not how you do it, and it is not, it's not alright, because you should ask first, of course, you should ask first and not now when you're already fucking doing it, but okay, okay, whatever, they play in fucking bands and it fucking happens, it just happens and you do stupid things, you touch people without asking, but you don't, you don't touch them like this, and is it even this, what is he even asking, what is he even doing.

"Yeah," Ginger says and Tim smiles, Tim smiles at him and it is soft, and fuck, what is this, what was he asking him, Tim smiles when Ginger says _yeah_ and says _okay_ and was he asking if this felt nice, was he asking if he was good, what is this, Ginger doesn't know what this is.

"Yeah," he says, he means _it is_ , it is alright, but it is not, it is far from it, it's not alright, it is so much more than that and it feels great, because he says _yeah_ and Tim smiles, Tim says _okay_ and bends again and licks his hole, he holds his thighs and draws circles on his skin and licks into him, letting out sounds, his breathing hot and breaking, he just keeps licking him and he's good and it feels nice, of course, it feels fucking nice, but that's not what he was asking, it's just not, and it's not how you do this, because Ginger has, Ginger's done it many times before, Ginger's done many things, but now he isn't, now he is just moaning on the bed in Tim's guest bedroom in Tim's house he drove Tim to because it wasn't hard, and this is also not hard, it is alright, it's just he isn't doing anything, he's just lying on the bed and moaning, lying on the bed with his useless hands and it isn't hard, but he is, he is so hard, and Tim's hands hold his thighs, Tim's hands stroke his cock and Tim licks into him and it feels amazing and Ginger feels like he's gonna come, he's gonna come like this, and you don't, you don't do it like this, of course, you don't, you don't touch your former colleague's hair when you aren't drunk, you don't do it even when you are, you don't say sorry and then say the things you are sorry for again, you don't say those things at all, you just don't walk around and ask people if they want to go somewhere, you don't do it like this, you don't just show them inside, you don't ask them if they've been here before and you don't tell them you're going to have dinner with your wife a few hours later and you don't bring them to the guest bedroom and you don't kiss them, you don't take off their clothes while they are standing there useless, you don't push them on the bed and you don't talk about their facial hair like you're a pervert, you don't do things like this, but Tim does, Tim did all of that and he's licking into him and fuck, he's gonna come, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"What?" Ginger says when Tim stops, when Tim lifts his head, when Tim isn't licking into him anymore, when he is holding him by his thighs and looking at his face, his own face flushed, his lips chapped, his skin a bit too dry, but now sweaty, his eyelids heavy, they're always heavy, but now they are heavy in a different way, they are heavy in the same way that Ginger's head he lifts too is, Ginger's head is spinning. "Are you—"

And what is he even asking.

"Oh," Tim says and licks his chapped lips. "You like that?"

And what is he even asking.

"Uhm," Ginger says and he means _yes_ , of course he fucking likes it, because it feels amazing and it did, it felt just great and he was so hard, he thought he'd come, he almost did and now his head is spinning and Tim has stopped.

"Shit," Tim says and smiles. "Okay. I... Next time, alright? I just... I really wanna fuck you."

And what is he even saying.

And what Tim's saying makes him hot, it makes him hard, it makes him moan and his head is spinning and he wants to come and it's alright, but what is he even saying, what does he fucking mean.

Tim gets on top of him and kisses him again, their naked bodies now sweaty, their naked bodies close, and Tim breathes in his mouth, Tim moans too and pulls away and takes his head in his hands, his hands in Ginger's hair, and it's not how you do it, it's not what you say, it's fucking not.

Tim kisses him and pulls away and looks at him.

"Fuck," he says, his fingers in his hair. "Just... Just wait a bit, okay? I'll get the lube."

When Tim comes back he stretches him, he brings the lube and condoms, he says _just wait a bit_ and leaves the room and Ginger waits, Ginger hears noises coming from downstairs, from where Tim's made his mess today, from where he'll have dinner with his wife tonight, from where it is dark with curtains drawn, from where they entered first when Ginger drove Tim home, and now Ginger's in his house and on the bed, he's waiting in the bedroom for the guests, he's on his back and his knees are bent and his head is somewhat empty and it's still spinning and that's alright, sometimes that happens too, it's nothing bad, it's not a problem, it's just that Tim comes back with condoms and with lube and sits down on the bed, sits next to him and kisses his bent knee, he uncaps the lube and his hands are shaking slightly and he swears, he puts his fingers in Ginger's hole and before that he's been licking it, they ran into each other near the bank and Ginger drove Tim home and Tim kissed him and he licked his hole and now he is stretching him and he is blinking, his face is flushed, he says _fuck, I hope I'm not hurting you_ and he stretches him and he isn't, it's alright, it's just he licked him and he said _next time, okay_ , he wants to fuck him and that's fine, that's not a problem, so Ginger spreads his legs and lifts them up a bit and Tim fingers him, Tim smiles and his hands are shaking, he's aroused, he makes him moan, he doesn't hurt him and it's all fine, it feels good, it feels amazing, and Tim looks at him and smiles, at his face and at his hair and his fingers are inside him, stretching him, and it's less than twenty minutes after they first kissed and it is fine, it happens.

"Do you like it on your back?" Tim asks and his fingers move inside him and Tim's about to move too, Tim looks restless, anxious, wired and Ginger's just lying there on the bed with his useless hands and with his legs spread and lifted, and Tim's between his legs, Tim's stretching him, and what is he even asking, what does he mean, it's not like Ginger does it every day, because he doesn't, because you don't do things like that like this, you don't just say _next time, okay_ , you don't put people on the bed in your guest bedroom, you don't look at their beard and smile, but Tim does, Tim's looking at his beard and at his hair and at his face and he is smiling and his fingers are inside him, his fingers are in Ginger's hole and that's alright, it's not the first time or the second, he's done things, he plays in fucking bands, he's done it many times, it's just he's lying there useless and Tim is touching him, Tim's fingers on his thigh and in his hole, Tim's fingers shaking slightly, Tim's fingers stretching him and he likes it, of course, he likes it, it's alright, it's more than that, it feels amazing, and it's okay that he's on his back with his legs spread wide and lifted, it's nobody's business, it's this thing you do sometimes when you sleep with people and he likes it, he likes being on his back and it feels great, he likes it, but it's not how you do things, it's not how you ask things, he's done it many times, but he doesn't do it every day, he hasn't done it in a while, he doesn't lie in people's guest bedrooms useless all the time and it's not a problem, not an issue, so what is he even asking, what does he mean.

"Yeah," Ginger breathes out and Tim moves and his fingers move too, Tim pulls them out and says _okay_ and nods and blinks and smiles and he's sweaty, he's hot and wired, he is aroused, he wants to fuck him and it's fine, it's all fucking fine.

"Okay," Tim says and nods and pulls his fingers out. "Alright. Just maybe... Roll over first and then we. Cuz I don't wanna hurt you. It's more... it's easier like that."

Tim says it's easier like that and puts his hands on him, helps him to roll over, to stand on his hands and knees, and he is useless, he is fucking useless and it isn't hard, it is something that you do sometimes, it is something Ginger's done, it is fucking easy, it's alright, so what is he even saying, what is Tim saying, he doesn't want to hurt him and his hands are shaking and he helps him and Ginger's on his hands and knees in Tim's guest bedroom in Tim's two-storied house, Ginger's car parked near it, Ginger drove in it to the bank and he met Tim outside of it, he ran into him and they had coffee and Tim smoked, Tim smoked because he's sad and tired and depressed, but now he's behind him and his hands are on his skin, they are on his back, Tim is touching him and he is not, he's on his hands and knees because Tim says it's easier like that and it isn't hard, it's not a problem and Tim's behind him, Tim picks up the condoms, Tim picks up the lube and his hand is on his back, his hand is on his hole, it's warm and wet, Tim wants to fuck him, Tim licked into him, Tim kissed him, Tim untied his beard, he said _it suits you_ , he said his hair's soft, Tim touched him, Tim's touching him, Tim says _fuck, Ginj_ and pushes in and moans and he doesn't hurt him, it's alright, it isn't hard, he's done it many times.

"Oh, God," Ginger says, when Tim pushes in and it feels amazing, it is great and it's not an issue, it is easier that way and he likes it and he moans too and he's shaking, why's he shaking, why did he say _oh, god_ , it's nothing bad, it's not offensive and it's nothing new, he's done it, he plays in fucking bands and it is not like that, it's not about that, it's just Tim says _fuck, Ginj_ and they are former colleagues and Tim knows him by his name, Tim calls him by his name when they run into each other like they did today and they used to work together, it's just that he doesn't do it, because it is not done like this, he doesn't walk down the streets and doesn't sip the coffee that was bought for him and doesn't drive people home and doesn't end up in their guest bedrooms on his hands and knees, he doesn't, and if he does, it's not like this, because it's not how you do this, it is not, but it is now and he did this, he's standing on the bed and Tim's behind him, Tim's cock's inside him, Tim is fucking him and it feels good and that's alright, it's not a problem, it is not like that and he did things like this, he does things like this, it is okay, it's just it's not how you do it, it's just Tim says _fuck, Ginj_ and fucks him from behind and leans forward and he's so close, his breath is on his neck, his lips are on his hair, his face is in his hair and he says _fuck, Ginj_ and _are you okay_ , and of course he is, so what is he even asking, of course he is okay, it isn't hard, it's just a thing he does sometimes, sometimes people fuck him from behind or on his back and he likes it and that's alright, it's all just fine, he knows their names and they know his or sometimes they don't and he doesn't too, so it is not about that, it's not about being fucked, it isn't bad, it is alright, it's just it's not how he does it, he doesn't do things like that like this, but Tim does, Tim fucks him from behind and he doesn't hurt him, he is gentle, he is hot and so close, his face is in his hair and he whispers and he asks if he's okay and he says _yeah_ , because of course he is, and he said _oh, god_ and that's alright, sometimes that's what you say, sometimes that what he says, it isn't that, it's just he doesn't say it like this, he doesn't do it like this, he just doesn't, because you don't, but Tim does, Tim says _just wait a bit and we'll turn over_ and breathes in his hair that he said was soft.

"Just wait a bit and we'll turn over," Tim says and touches him, Tim fucks him and he kisses him, he kisses his neck through his hair and what does he mean, what does he have to wait for, they are already fucking and it isn't hard, he doesn't have to be on his back, he sleeps with people and he gets fucked sometimes, he isn't straight and he plays in fucking bands, so he does things and he likes it, it's okay and it feels amazing, he doesn't do it every day but he still does it and he likes it and he told Tim so, he is okay with this, it's not a problem, it's not that he needs to be on his back, he isn't on his back every fucking day, he is okay with standing on his hands and knees, he's done some things, but he doesn't do them very often, he hasn't done it in a while, but this is what he's doing now, they ran into each other near the bank and he drove Tim home and Tim told him he's a mess and that his wife, Erin, has to put up with him nowadays, and he remembers Erin, because they've met before, because they used to work with Tim, they are former colleagues and they played the shows and they made the albums, they haven't talked in six or seven years, they haven't seen each other for two months, Tim showed him to the guest bedroom and now he is here, he's on the bed and Tim is fucking him and it feels great, it makes him moan, it makes him moan just like he was when Tim was licking into him, he's on his hands and knees because Tim said it was easier and then he says _just wait a bit and we'll turn over_ and now he's saying _fuck, Ginj_ , he's saying that again, he's saying _fuck, Ginj_ and _come on_ and he is helping him again, so they are turning over and now Ginger's on his back, he's on his back with his legs spread wide and lifted and Tim holds them and Tim lies on top of him and Tim's inside him and it is alright, it's more than that, it isn't hard, it isn't hard at all, so what was he even saying.

So now he's on his back again and Tim's on top of him and that's alright, it's just a pose, it's just a thing you do sometimes, it's not a problem and Tim is smiling, Tim is frowning, his forehead's wrinkled just a little, just between his eyebrows and he's blinking, he's looking at him, at his face, his beard, his hair, his hands are in his hair and he's on top of him and it isn't bad, it isn't hard, it isn't hard at all, it's just Tim's so close, they're so close again and their chests are touching and Ginger's legs are on Tim's waist and that's completely fine, he likes it, it's just Tim looks at him and smiles and they are former colleagues and they used to work together and Tim calls him by his name, Tim calls him Ginj and he says he's glad to see him, he's glad they talked, he likes his hair, but it is not about that, it's just he's never been to Tim's house, but he's met his wife and she isn't very tall and she has black hair and her name is Erin and Tim's going to cook with her and they'll talk because Tim's been a mess and he's hard to put up with and that is nice, that's what you do, but this is not, this isn't what you do, you don't just drag people closer to the bed, you don't say _oh, shit, sorry_ , you don't put your hand on their cock, you don't show them to your guest bedroom, but Tim did and now he is so close and his face isn't wrinkled, even though he's changed a bit, he's changed since that time when they were colleagues, they haven't seen each other in a while and now Tim's on top of him and he is fucking him and he's so close to him and he is smiling, he is kissing him, Tim's fingers in his hair and Ginger's kissing back, that's what he's doing, he's lying on his back in Tim's guest bedroom and Tim is fucking him and Tim is touching him and he's just useless, he's wrapped his legs around Tim's waist and he's moaning and he is sweaty, both of them are sweaty and that's fine, that's how it is sometimes, it's nothing bad and nothing new, it's just Tim said things the way you don't say things, Tim said many things and what was he saying, Tim's saying something now too and what is it, what is he saying.

"You wanna come like that?" Tim's saying, but Ginger doesn't understand him, it doesn't register, his head is spinning, his head is on the bed in Tim's guest bedroom and Tim's on top of him and they are fucking, that's what they are doing, they ran into each other near the bank and they went to Tim's, but not like that, it's not like that, Ginger just drove him there and now he is here and Tim is close to him, Tim's just kissed him and how he is touching him, he's caressing his hair and he looks at him and he is breathless and he's asking him if he wants to come like that and Ginger wants to ask _like what_ because he doesn't understand what he's saying, because he wants to come, because Tim is fucking him on his back and Tim is kissing him and his hair and his beard and it feels so good and he is so hard, but it isn't, it isn't hard, it's just Tim's so close and Ginger's close too, he's useless, he is just kissing Tim back and moaning and his legs are wrapped tight around Tim's waist and that's what Tim is asking, isn't it, and what does he even want to know, what does he even mean, it's not like this, this doesn't make any fucking sense, it doesn't, what is this, what, fuck, what.

"I..." Ginger says and it doesn't make any sense, he doesn't make any sense, he is fucking useless, he says _I_ and _uhm_ and what does he mean, what does it mean, does what he says say anything, it doesn't, he just makes sounds and he moans, he's useless and Tim's so close and they are in Tim's house.

"Oh, okay," Tim says and stops, stops for a second, Tim stops fucking him, Tim slows down, Tim searches blindly for something on the bed and Ginger's on the bed, Ginger's on his back and Tim's inside him and it feels so fucking good and it's alright, he likes it, he wants to come and Tim uncaps the lube with one hand and it shakes and his other hand is in Ginger's hair, he's on top of Ginger propped on one elbow and he squeezes his hand between their naked, sweaty, wired bodies and puts it on Ginger's cock and it is wet and warm, it's wet and hot and Tim says _like that_ , that's what he says.

"Like that?" Tim says and before he didn't, he just fucked him on his back and it felt good, it felt amazing, he wrapped his legs around him and Tim moved on top of him, Tim was fucking him and he was gentle, he didn't hurt him, he made him moan, he looked at him and his cock was inside him, moving in his hole, moving just like Tim's tongue was moving there when Tim was licking into him, that's how it was before, but now Tim is asking him _like that?_ and he is fucking him again and his hand is on his cock and he is so close, he's kissing him and then he looks at him, he caresses his hair and it feels so fucking good, Tim's cock inside him feels so good, Ginger feels he's gonna come, he's gonna come like that, he's gonna come in Tim's guest bedroom and Tim's on top of him.

"Gonna come," Ginger says, that's what he says, because he is, because Tim is fucking him and he is on his back and it feels great and that's alright, it's just a thing you do, you don't do it like this, you just don't, but Tim does and Ginger did too and now he's gonna come like this, he's gonna come right now.

"Yeah?" Tim says and he smiles and he's fucking him and his hand is on his cock, his hand is wet and warm, his hand feels amazing. "Come on."

So that's what Tim says and Ginger's silent, Ginger stares up at him with blind eyes, Ginger's moaning and Tim's cock inside him feels great and what is he doing, what are they doing, what he's doing is coming while Tim stares at him and smiles, fucking him with his warm wet hand around his cock, his other hand in Ginger's hair he said was soft, he said so many things, but that was before, that was when they ran into each other at the festival and near the bank and sat in plastic chairs and stood near buildings, that was two months ago, that was just an hour ago and now they are in Tim's house and what Tim says is _fuck_ , what Tim says is _almost there_ and _you're so hot_ and _fuck_ again and then _just wait a bit_ and _almost there_ and then he moans and his forehead wrinkles just a little, just between his eyebrows, and he blinks and his lips twitch and it looks like that thing he does sometimes with his lips and Ginger looks at him, Ginger's coming and Tim's fucking him and it feels great and Tim's cock's inside him and it's alright, it's so good, and he feels his hole pulsing around Tim's cock and it's a bit like being shot and he's never been, he's never been shot, but that's how it feels, it's hot and pulsing and he is coming and staring up at Tim whose hands are in his hair and on his cock, up at Tim who's fucking him and smiling and staring down at him and it's not a problem, it isn't hard, it's just that's not how you do this, it's just that he feels like he's been shot, it's not how it is done, but that is how they are doing this, that is what they are doing, they are coming, they are both coming and Ginger comes on his back with his legs wrapped tight around Tim's waist and Tim comes just a few seconds later, Tim fucks into him like he was licking into him, Tim frowns just a little and his skin is a bit too dry, but now sweaty, and he blinks and stares at Ginger and then he stills, stills inside him, he's still inside him, he comes inside him and they're using condoms, of course, they're using condoms, that's what you do, that's not how you do this, but that's how they do it, so there is a condom and Tim stills on top of Ginger and Ginger feels Tim's cock pulsing inside of him and it feels like, like, like something, Ginger doesn't know how it feels, his head is empty and his head is spinning, Tim just falls on top of him, his face now in his hair, Tim just says _fuck_ and _Ginj_ and _you alright_ and he is, of course, he is, it's just not how you do this, but they did.

And that's not what Tim means, but Ginger doesn't know this, he doesn't know anything, he's useless and he feels like he's been shot, he is just lying on the bed in Tim's guest bedroom in Tim's two-storied house and Tim's on top of him and they kiss and Tim caresses his hair and messes up his beard, Tim is a mess himself, Tim falls asleep while they are hugging on the bed lying there naked, lying there close, and Ginger too, he falls asleep and they sleep together, that's what they do, it is, but what Ginger does is he wakes up, he wakes up two hours later and he almost jumps, he gets up and puts on his jeans and his socks and his boxers and his T-shirt that Tim pulled off him and his jacket too, but this he does later, because first Tim wakes up too, Tim calls him by his name and he's sleepy and he's tired and he says so, he says _sorry_ and he kisses him, he says _call me_ and he gives him his phone number, he swears and says that he forgets things and that he's a mess, but he gets his number right, he says _call me_ and kisses him again and says he's just going to sleep till his wife comes back, because he's tired and a mess, and he is sorry he won't go with him downstairs where he made a mess, but Ginger says that it's alright and it's alright, Ginger goes downstairs and puts his jacket on and gets out, gets in his car and it's six twenty nine when he drives away, he just drives away, that's what he does.

*****

"Come in," Tim says and lets him in.

Ginger calls him.

Ginger has his phone number, it was the last time they talked, first time they fucked, it was after that, they fell asleep and then he drove away and before that Tim gave him his phone number and said _call me_ , so Ginger does.

He calls him and it is still October, and when he calls him Tim says he's glad he did, he says _hi_ and _how's it going_ and _what are you up to_ and _let's meet_. Ginger says _okay_ and Tim says _nice_ and when he comes to Tim's house it's November, it's just a few days later, it was late October when he called him and then he comes to Tim's house, but first he asks where they should meet and Tim says _oh, just come to mine_ and _you know where I live_ and _if that's convenient_ and _I mean, it's a bit far_ , but that's alright and he says so, he has a car, so that's what they agree on, so it's November and Ginger drives to Tim's house that is on the other side of town in his car and Tim lets him in.

Then they talk.

No, first Tim shows him to the living room downstairs and it isn't very messy, it's okay and Tim says he cleaned it and that he's trying to get his shit back together and Ginger says _that's good_. Then Tim gestures at the couch and at the chairs and says _have a seat_ and brings him beer and coke and says he's also got juice, but coke's okay and beer is not, because he's here with his car, so he sits down in the chair and drinks some coke and Tim walks around the room and sorts some things and checks his phone from time to time and asks him this and that and tells him this and that, he tells him he's trying to get his shit back together and he hasn't played and he hasn't written, so it's not a huge success, but it is better, he went to the firing range, he says _I build guns, you know_ , and Ginger nods and says _ah, yeah_. And then Tim asks him what he's been up to and it's not much, because not much time has passed since they last saw each other, it's not six or seven years and it's not two months, it's really not so long ago, but they went to Vegas and they played there, so that's what Ginger tells him.

He tells him it was nice, both the concert and the city, because he's from there and it was really good to be there again, and Tim says _oh, cool_ and smiles and that's what they talk about and also some other things, some things Tim asks him and some things Tim tells him while he walks around the room and smokes from time to time and jokes about it and says _once a smoker, always a smoke_ r, so Ginger tells him stuff he asks about, stuff about Vegas and himself and Zombie and their songs and other people's songs and Rio, and Tim tells him about Spain and the firing range and some guns he built and what his solo project was all about before it was put on hold because of his old fuck crisis.

So they talk and it's okay.

Of course, it is okay, they aren't friends, but they used to work together and they know things about each other that are not just their names, they used to spend a lot of time together and it's fine, it's not a problem and he isn't busy, it's just the last time they met they ran into each other near the bank and he drove Tim home and they fucked and they fell asleep together and when they woke up Tim said _call me_ and gave him his phone number and he was naked, sleepy, tired, warm, he kissed him on the lips and it was dark, it was after the sun went down, it was after six pm, it was like this.

So that's how it was, but that's alright, it isn't bad and he's okay with it, they aren't friends, but they do talk, so why not, so they talk and Tim drinks some beer and smokes and Ginger sips his coke and walks around Tim's house, Tim shows him around it, because he's been there before, he was there not so long ago, when it was late October, but it wasn't like this, because when he was there the last time they kissed and Tim touched his beard and said he sounded like a pervert and laughed about it, he touched his cock and he fucked him on his back with his legs wrapped tight around him, last time they fell asleep together and the curtains were drawn in all the rooms, because Tim'd been a mess, because he'd been depressed and tired and restless and he is still like that, but maybe less, maybe not as much as before, because he's been trying to get his shit together and he cleaned the house he now shows him around and it is all fine, why not.

Tim talks about Erin.

Well, Ginger asks about Erin. Well, he asks about some things that he sees around the house and Tim tells him _oh, that's Erin's_ and then smiles and Ginger nods and says _ah_ and then he asks where Erin is, because he remembers her and they have met before, of course, they've met, he and Tim were in the same band for years and she and Tim have been married since forever, and Tim says _oh, she's at her friend's_ and smiles.

Then Ginger asks about that dinner Tim said he'd have with her and it's, well, it's a bit, a bit _tricky_ , because Tim told him they'd cook together and talk and spend some time together, Tim told him that and then he brought him into the guest bedroom and said some things, said _is this alright_ and _I really wanna fuck you_ and _do you like it on your back_ and _you wanna come like that_ and they fucked, that's what they did, so it was like this, but Ginger asks, he asks Tim about that dinner, because Tim told him they'd cook together and spend some time together and that he'd been hard to put up with and he'd been a mess, so it's nice, it's a good thing to do, that's why he asks and Tim laughs and shakes his head and says _fuck, no_ and explains that he slept till it was 1 am and wasn't up to it anymore and neither was she, but she was still awake, reading something on her phone, so Tim had some disgusting instant noodles he'd found god knows where and they talked a bit and then she went to bed and he stayed up and smoked too much and played some games and browsed stuff online and made a mess, but it's alright, because it's more his thing, _it's more my thing_ , he says and he means making dinners, she hates dealing with the dishes and says it takes too much time and isn't really into the process and he, well, he's into it, but not like big time, he just cooks sometimes and it's nothing fancy, so it was alright and they just went out a couple of days later and spent some time together and it was good, because he has his old fuck crisis and his cooking has also been compromised, so it's probably better that they went out and not stayed home with his awful cooking.

So Tim tells him that and he nods and he smiles and says _that's great_ , because it is, because they aren't friends, but they used to work together and Tim still looks depressed and tired, Tim's still restless, Tim says he has his old fuck crisis Erin needs to put up with, so it is, it is really great, and Tim also nods and smiles and says _yeah._

Then Tim asks him if he's hungry and yeah, he could eat, so they do and Tim makes something, something simple and adds some stuff he ordered on the phone last night. Tim makes some stuff and they hang out in the kitchen and talk about food and restaurants and Tim doesn't remember any of the names of the places he talks about and makes jokes about his shitty memory and crippling old age and then they eat in the living room and Tim drinks some beer and Ginger drinks his coke.

Then they talk.

Tim turns on the TV and they browse stuff online and Ginger shows him some bikes and Tim shows him some guns and makes jokes about their juvenile interests and talks about the effects of music industry on people's brains and Ginger talks about it too and they laugh and they aren't friends, of course, but they worked together, they were in the same band for years and they know each other, but not like this, because back then they mostly hanged out at Manson's and Manson talks a lot and Tim was friends with him and not with Ginger and sure, they still know more than just each other's names, but that was long ago, that was like six or seven years ago and things have changed and time has passed and it is nice and Tim's really funny in a dry sort of way and it isn't boring and it isn't tense, it's nice.

So they hang out on the couch and they talk and Tim smokes and Ginger does too, but definitely not as much, and they laugh and they aren't friends, but it's alright, it's really nice.

Then Tim kisses him.

Tim goes away to take a leak and then comes back and sits on the couch next to him and checks his phone and puts it on the table and puts the beer bottle on the table too and then leans in, moves closer, way too close to him, he puts his hand on his shoulder, then in his hair, he says _come here_ and kisses him.

Tim kisses him and Ginger kisses him back, of course, he kisses him back, and it's alright, it's fine, it's just, well, it's... Tim kisses him and pulls away and smiles and caresses his hair and lifts his hand and touches his beard that's tied up again and swears he's not a pervert, _I swear I'm not a fucking beard pervert_ , Tim says and kisses him again and then starts untying it again and stops abruptly and says _wait a second_ and turns off the TV and kisses him once more and Ginger kisses him as well, Tim's breathing in his mouth and it is nice, Tim's hands are on his body, on his shoulders and his chest and arms and in his hair and they untie his beard and Tim laughs a little and it's fine, it's really nice, it's just he's useless, he is so useless, he's just sitting there on the couch in Tim's living room and not doing anything, he's hard and Tim is touching him, Tim's kissing him and he is too, but that's it, he's so useless, he should touch Tim too, he should do something and also they are in the living room and it's Tim's house and Tim's been married for more than twenty years and his wife's called Erin and she's at her friend's, so maybe, maybe they should go somewhere else, maybe they should move and Tim is, Tim is moving, Tim is touching him, but he is useless, he isn't doing anything and he would've, of course, he would've, but it's way too fast and also Tim's touching him, Tim's kissing him and he's untied his beard and his hand is on his cock, Tim's touching him through his jeans and smiling and he wants to push into the touch and then he does, he does that and he moans and Tim says _fuck_ and kisses him and puts his other hand under his T-shirt, puts it on his skin and it feels great.

It feels great, it feels so good, it feels amazing, it really does, it's just he called Tim and Tim said _let's meet_ and _just come to mine_ and then he did and Tim's been showing him around the house and they've been talking, they've been smoking, eating, browsing stuff online and laughing at their juvenile interests and now it is this, now Tim's hand is moving on his skin in slow circles and his other hand is on his cock and he is moaning in Tim's mouth and Tim says _fuck_ and _Ginj_ and sure, it is alright, it's not a problem and he's almost fifty, he's done things like that many time, he's done many things, he's married, for fuck's sake and it's all fine, but it's just, it's just, what is it.

Tim is married too and his wife's called Erin and she's at her friend's and he's met her many times and how he's in her and Tim's house in her and Tim's living room, he's on the couch and Tim's kissing him, Tim's kissing so much and touching him everywhere, his hair and his beard and his face and his chest under his T-shirt and his cock through his jeans, Tim pulls away and looks at him and says _shit_ and says _Ginj_ and unzips his jeans, Tim unzips his jeans and undoes his belt and pulls him out and he shudders at the touch, he fucking shudders and it feels so good and it's alright, sometimes it's like that, Tim pulls him out and he moans and they are on the couch in Tim's living room and then Tim smiles at him and kisses him and bends over, Tim takes his cock in his mouth while they are sitting on the couch and he's so useless, Tim's been touching him and kissing him and he untied his beard and swore he's not a pervert and he laughed, his hand was moving under his T-shirt in slow circles and now it's on his thighs and his cock is in Tim's mouth and he's moaning and he says _fuck_ and maybe they should go somewhere else and fuck, fuck, fuck.

Tim hums around him, Tim makes sounds around his cock just like he was making them when he was licking into him and that's not how you do things and it feels amazing, it feels fucking great and he says _fuck_ and he is breathless, he is useless, why is he so useless, why is it like this, it is nothing new and it is nothing bad, he's done this, he plays in fucking bands, everybody's done this, it's alright, it's... It's just the last time he was at Tim's house Tim fucked him on his back with his legs wrapped tight around him, Tim looked at him, Tim was so close, Tim made him come, Tim came inside him, and they were using condoms, of course, they were using condoms, but it felt like being shot, he felt it, he felt Tim still inside him, he felt Tim come and then they fell asleep and when he woke up after six pm Tim said _call me_ and he did, he did, and Tim was sleepy, tired, naked, hot, he kissed him on the lips.

Tim kissed him on the lips and now his cock is in Tim's mouth and Tim is humming, making sounds, his hands are on his thighs and Ginger's hands aren't fully there, Ginger's hands are useless and his head is spinning, empty, heavy, what, what, what is this.

Tim lifts his head and swears, Tim says _fuck_ and looks at him and okay, okay, they need to go somewhere else, they are in the living room and he's useless on the couch and last time Tim said _call me_ and it's alright, it is, it's just Tim says _fuck_ and sinks on the floor, he kneels between his legs, he says _fuck_ and _I am way too old for this_ and _fucking back_ and smiles and looks at him and takes him in his mouth kneeling there on the floor between his legs.

"Tim," Ginger says.

"What," he says.

"Ah?" Tim says, Tim lifts his head and looks at him and says that.

"I..." Ginger says. "Are you..." He says. "I thought..."

He thought they had to go somewhere else and that he was being useless and that Tim is really funny, but a bit depressed, Tim looks tired, but not now, Tim's a mess, Tim's his former colleague and they ran into each other at the festival and near the bank and Tim talked about his hair and his beard and said he looked great, said he liked him, asked him if he wanted to go somewhere and then they did, they went to Tim's house and they fucked, that's what they did, and Tim fell on top of him after they both came and they fell asleep together and now it is this.

"I thought we'd..." he says. "I thought we'd fuck."

"Oh," Tim says and frowns just a little, just between his eyebrows.

"Shit," Tim says and smiles and looks at him. "Sorry."

"Next time, okay?" Tim says. "I just..." He looks down and he looks at him, he makes a gesture and it is vague, he makes no sense. "Well."

He licks his lips and his hands are on Ginger's thighs and he's kneeling on the floor of his own living room.

_Well._

What does he even mean, what does he mean.

"Okay?" Tim says and smiles and his forehead wrinkles just a bit and what is he even asking him about.

"Yeah," Ginger says.

Then Tim sucks him off.

Tim kneels on the floor between his legs and takes him in his mouth and hums around him and it feels great, it feels amazing, because Tim's good, because it's good in general, it's sex, it's fucking pleasant, it's just something that you do sometimes when you sleep with people, though this is not how it's done, it's just not, it's just his head is heavy, empty, spinning and he is useless in Tim's living room and Tim's on the floor, Tim sucks his cock, Tim holds his thighs and hums and he is so useless, he is handless, he isn't doing anything, what does he have his hands for, does he even have them, he's just gripping things within his reach, he's scratching Tim's couch in Tim's living room and his cock is in Tim's mouth and he's gonna fucking come, he's gonna come and he isn't doing anything and that's alright, of course, it is alright, it happens, sometimes it is like that, it's not a problem, of course, it's not, it's just Tim looks up at him and hums and his forehead wrinkles just a bit, just between his eyebrows and he blinks and his eyelashes flutter and he isn't wearing make up, his eyes are closed for some seconds, his hands are on his thighs and he sucks his cock, his eyes are open and he looks at him and Ginger stares back and he's gonna come, he's gonna fucking come and he is fucking useless and Tim searches for something blindly on the couch, Tim finds his useless hands, Tim finds his left, his useless hand, he pulls away and looks at him and puts his hand on his cock, his own hand, not Ginger's useless fucking hand, he jerks him off and looks at him and smiles and his lips are wet and his skin is dry, just a bit too dry and thinner than before, he says _hm_ , he says _come on_ , he puts Ginger's useless hand on his head and leans forward, he takes him in his mouth and he hums, he moans, he makes sounds, he looks up at him and he stares back, he isn't doing anything, he's just staring back, his hand's just useless on Tim's shaved head, on Tim's hair that is styled just like it was before, combed back and fixed with hair spray, but maybe less of it, maybe not as much, maybe, yes.

"Come on," Tim says and takes him in his mouth and looks at him and his hand is on his head and Tim's put it there, Tim said _next time, okay_ , Tim said _I just_ , Tim said _well_ , he feels Tim's tongue moving on his cock and it feels great, it feels amazing and he's gonna come and he is in Tim's living room and they've been talking and they had some food and they browsed stuff online and then Tim kissed him, Tim said _come here_ and now it is this and it's amazing, it's not a problem, it's alright, it's more than that and he is gonna come, it's just what is this, fuck, what is this, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Then he comes in Tim's mouth.

"Hm," Tim says after that, Tim smiles after that, Tim kisses him, Tim gets up and swears and says _fucking knees_ and sits on the couch next to him and kisses him, _hm_ , he says after Ginger comes in his mouth, that's what he does, he's staring down at him and he's moaning, useless, anxious, wired, hot, he's gonna come and Tim looks up at him and moves his tongue and he says _fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_ , that's what he says when he comes.

Tim says _hm_.

His head is empty, heavy, spinning, he's sweaty and he's just come and Tim is kissing him, Tim says _hm_ , Tim pulls away, Tim caresses his hair, Tim says _fuck, I wanna smoke_ and _wait, I'll get some water_ and he does, he brings him water and he smokes, he comes back and he sits with him on the couch in his living room and smokes, their shoulders touching, Tim zips up his pants because he is just useless, Tim drinks some water and Ginger drinks it too, he's thirsty, he's just fucking come, and Tim drinks beer, Tim says _wanna watch something_ and Ginger says something too and it makes no sense and they watch a movie, their shoulders touching, and Tim asks if he's sure he doesn't want a beer and Ginger says he's got here with his car and maybe he should go, he is in Tim's living room and Tim's married and he's been here for like three hours already, so he asks, he says _and Erin, is she_ , that's what he says, and Tim says _oh, it's alright, she's at her friend's, I told her I'd be having guests_ , and what, what does he mean by that, it's Tim doing things the way you don't do things, it's this again, it's just he said _I thought we'd fuck_ and they fucked last time, they fucked and fell asleep and Tim said _call me_ and he did, he got to Tim's house with his car and they talked, they talked for two hours and he showed Tim some bikes and Tim showed him some guns and they laughed and then Tim kissed him, then they kissed, they kissed a lot and then Tim kneeled between his legs and he said things and sucked him off, he made him come and he was useless and Tim said _hm_ , Tim said that and he was so useless, he did nothing, he said _fuck, fuck, fuck_ and Tim said _hm_ and he said he thought they'd fuck and Tim said _next time, okay_ and now they are watching something, their shoulders touching, and it is dark outside.

And it's not next time.

They aren't watching anything, because the movie's over and Tim gets up, Tim rubs his shoulders and he sighs and chuckles, he says _come on_ , he says _let's go_ , he takes his hand and drags him into the bedroom downstairs and he turns on the light in there and he undresses him and fucks him, that's what he does, so it's not next time, it's that time.

Tim pulls his clothes off him and takes off his own clothes and he isn't wearing underwear, it's just sweatpants, and he does take off his socks, he pushes him onto the bed and then they kiss, they kiss a lot and they are close, they are so close again, their naked bodies touching, and Tim gets up and brings the lube, he brings the condoms, of course, he brings the condoms, Tim stretches him, Tim's fingers touching him, Tim's fingers deep in him, Tim swearing, Tim saying _fuck_ , and he moans, he moans just like he did when Tim was licking into him, when Tim was kneeling on the floor when he sucked his cock and that's alright and then they fuck and he thought they would and now they do, that's what they do, he's on his hands and knees and he's on his back and he's on top of Tim and it's okay, it's just a pose and that is just a pose and this one's too and sometimes it is like this, it's not a problem and Tim fucks him on all fours, Tim's face in his hair, Tim's chest pressed to his spine, Tim's so close, Tim fucks him on his back, his legs wrapped tight around him, Tim's face right above his face, Tim's face isn't wrinkled, it is, but just a little, just between his eyebrows and he blinks, his mouth on his jaw line, his mouth on his mouth and Tim's breathless, Tim says _fucking back_ and _fuck, I'm gonna come_ , Tim says _let's change the pose_ and they do, that's what they do, so then he's on top of Tim and they are fucking.

Then he is on top of Tim and his beard Tim says he doesn't have perverted feelings for is untied, Tim untied it when they were kissing, their naked bodies touching, and Tim was touching him, Tim fingered him and touched his body, touched his shoulders and his chest and stomach and his thighs and hair and he was useless, he is now, his hands are useless and why does he even have them, what fucking for, he is useless and he's on top of Tim and his hands are just there on his own thighs and Tim's hands are holding him, Tim's hands are on his thighs and Tim is holding him, Tim is fucking into him and he's on his heels, he is on top of Tim and Tim says _fuck_ , Tim says _wait_ , Tim says _let's try this_ and that's what they do, he moves and now he's on his heels and Tim is holding him and he is moving and Tim is moving too, but his hands are useless and it's alright, it's just it's a bit too rough, just a bit too deep, it doesn't hurt, Tim doesn't hurt him, Tim doesn't want to and it's all fine, it is, it's just Tim bites his lips and stares up at him and says _fuck_ and moves his hips and he moves his too and it's a bit, well, it's a bit like falling, it feels amazing, it feels good, of course, it feels good, it's sex, it's fucking pleasant, it's just he feels like he is falling, he feels like he might fall, like he might topple over and Tim is holding him and his own hands are on his thighs and it's not a problem, it is like that sometimes, it happens, it's just Tim's dragged him here, into the bedroom downstairs, Tim turned on the light, Tim undressed him and they kissed and Tim untied his beard and his hair's messy, his hair's falling on his face and it is sweaty and he is breathless and he is hot, he is anxious, wired, hot and it's alright, it can be like this, it's just a pose and he's done this, of course, he's done this, everybody's done this and he is almost fifty, it's nothing new and it's nothing bad, it just isn't.

It isn't bad, it's fucking good, it feels amazing and Tim is holding him and moving, they both move and they are fucking and Tim bites his lips and he's on top of him, he's on his heels and it is fine, he likes it, it is a bit too rough and a bit too deep, but he likes it, he does, he likes it so much because it feels amazing and it does, it is, it's just Tim is staring up at him, Tim bites his lips and his forehead wrinkles just a little and he blinks and says _fuck_ and calls him by his name, it's just he feels like he might fall, he feels like he is falling, he feels like he is falling on a fucking knife every time he moves and he's never done that, of course, he's never done that, but that's how it feels, it does, it's just he feels so hot and breathless, he is sweaty and his hair Tim said was soft is falling on his face and Tim stares up at him, Tim says _fuck, Ginj_ , Tim says _fuck, I'm gonna come_ , Tim makes a sound and it sounds like he's in pain, but he's not and it's a moan and he isn't too, he isn't hurt, Tim doesn't hurt him, he's not in pain, he feels so good and it's a bit too deep and a bit too rough and it feels like being stabbed, just like falling on a knife repeatedly, it feels like falling and it feels amazing and Tim says _fuck_ and searches blindly for something on the bed and then says _shit_ and says _hold my shoulders_ and _okay?_ and then he spits in his palm.

Tim spits in his palm and he's on top of Tim and Tim says _hold my shoulders_ and he does, he's doing that with his useless hands, his sweaty, anxious, wired hands and his head is spinning and Tim isn't holding him like he was before, Tim wraps his hand around his cock and jerks him off and his cock jerks too and it did before because they both were moving and he's on his heels and Tim's under him, Tim jerks up his hips, Tim jerks him off and fucks him and it's alright, it's more than that, it feels amazing, it's just he's breathless and his hair is falling on his face and he feels hot, he feels he might fall and he's almost fifty, for fuck's sake, he's done it, of course, he's done it, but he hasn't done it in a while and that's not how you do this, you do this in some other way, because if you don't, if you don't you get breathless and your hair falls on your face and you get sweaty and you might fall and it has happened, it's happened just like this and now he is, he's breathless, sweaty, falling, he's on top of Tim on his heels and he holds Tim's shoulders and Tim jerks him off and it feels amazing, it feels like falling on a knife, it is like he was stabbed, like he is being fucked in the wound and of course he isn't, of course, he's not, he's just on top of Tim and they are fucking and it's fine, it's more than that, it's just Tim sucked him off two hours ago and it was amazing and he isn't fifteen anymore, he's almost fifty and it's a bit too rough and a bit too deep and a bit too fast and it is awkward, it's just awkward, it's ridiculous and not very comfortable, it makes him feel like he's gonna topple over and he is breathless and he's not gonna come like that and he wants to, he wants to come.

Then he comes.

He's on his heels on top of Tim, on Tim's cock, and Tim's hand is wrapped around his and he comes, he comes like that and Tim stares up at him and it isn't dark, it isn't dark in here and the curtains aren't drawn, it's dark ouside but it isn't here, because Tim turned on the light, Tim dragged him here, Tim took his hand and took his clothes off and Tim fucked him, Tim fucked him on his hands and knees and on his back and then he was on top of Tim and Tim said _let's try this_ and they did and he's on his heels, holding Tim's shoulders, Tim fucking into him, Tim's hand moving on his cock and he is moving too, he is falling, he's gonna come, he's fuck, fuck, fuck, he's coming, he says _oh fuck_ and then he comes, he moans, he holds Tim's shoulders tight and Tim stares up at him, Tim bites his lips so hard it must hurt but it doesn't, it doesn't hurt, it's just a bit too deep and a bit too rough, it's just isn't very comfortable, it's just he's almost fifty, it's just he's coming and it feels like he stabs himself, it feels amazing, more than that, it does and Tim says _fucking hell_ and _Ginj_ , Tim grabs him by his arms and pulls him close, Tim's so close, Tim fucks into him and he falls, he falls on top of him while he's still coming and Tim fucks into him and holds him and his face is in his hair and his cock's inside of him and Tim's coming and he feels it, he feels Tim still under him and come inside him, well, not inside him because they are using condoms, but he feels like that, that's how he feels, like he's falling, like he's fallen, like he's been stabbed, like he isn't fully here and Tim is, Tim's holding him and Tim comes.

"Shit, sorry," Tim says.

"I hope I didn't spoil anything," Tim says and they kiss, Tim kisses him, Tim's holding him, Tim's so close, Tim makes no sense, Tim says _I just_ and _fuck_ and _Ginj_ and makes no sense and then they fall asleep, they fall asleep together and Tim says _come here_ and pulls him close and he's already there, he's in Tim's house in Tim's bedroom in Tim's bed in Tim's arms and his head is heavy, his head is spinning, his head is empty, so empty, it's never been so empty, but now it is, now he's useless, he's been stabbed, he's fallen and he falls asleep, they fall asleep, they do and they are hot and sweaty, sticky, close, they are naked, they are sleepy, tired and Tim's probably depressed, Tim says _fuck, did I forget to tell you_ when they wake up, it's a few hours later that they wake up, he wakes up and jumps a little and he's sweaty and Tim wakes up, Tim's hot, tired, sleepy, Tim says _what_ and Ginger says _I should go_ and Tim says _what_ and Ginger says _Erin_ and Tim says _fuck, did I forget to tell you_ , Tim says _she's at her friend's, she's out of town, she's gonna come back tomorrow evening_ , Tim says _come here_ , Tim says _let's sleep_ and they do, they sleep together and it's already morning when he leaves and it's November and he leaves and goes home.

It is already morning when he leaves.

*****

"Want another one?" Tim asks.

They are in bed in a hotel room. It's still November.

He leaves Tim's house in the morning and he goes home and he calls Tim, he calls Tim some days later, he hears Tim's voice and Tim calls him by his name, Tim says he's glad he called, he says _let's meet_ and _come to mine_ and Ginger says something too and it is vague and doesn't make much sense, but Tim says _hm_ , Tim says _okay_ , Tim says _yeah, you're right, it's a bit too far_ , Tim offers him to meet in a hotel and it's not that, it's not a problem, because he drives, he has a car and he's been to Tim's house before, it isn't that, it's just the last time he was at Tim's house Tim said _come in_ and then they talked, they talked for two hours straight, they ate some stuff Tim'd made for them and they looked at guns, they looked at bikes, they laughed, he laughed at Tim's dry jokes and asked about things that belong to Tim's wife Erin, they sat with Tim on their couch in their living room and he kissed him, kissed Tim back, Tim started kissing him, Tim sucked him off and he'd thought they'd fuck, he told Tim so and what did he even mean by that, he doesn't know, he said that and they did, they fucked in Tim's house in Tim's bedroom downstairs, Tim dragged him there, Tim turned on the light and untied his beard, Tim touched it with his fingers like he'd touched his hair back at the festival, just like that, only for much longer, only Ginger didn't say _can you stop that_ , he said nothing, he lay there naked, close to Tim, Tim caressing his beard, his face, his hair and his skin, saying _hm_ , saying _nice_ and kissing him, he lay there with Tim and they were naked and Tim stretched him, Tim's fingers deep in him, moving, gentle, Tim didn't hurt him, Tim fucked him on his hands and knees, Tim's hand on his shoulder, hot, anxious, wired, Tim fucked him on his back and he wrapped his legs around Tim and Tim was so close, their bodies touching, Tim kissed everything he could reach and he called Tim by his name, Tim said _fucking back_ and _fuck, gonna come_ and they changed the pose and Tim didn't come, he did.

No, Tim did too, of course, Tim did, but he came first, he was on his heels on top of Tim and he was breathless, he was sweaty, he couldn't see almost anything because his hair was falling on his face and he was falling too, he couldn't see almost anything and the lights were on, it was already dark outside because before that they had talked and watched a movie, it was dark, but he could see Tim's wrinkled forehead, that he could see, and Tim was staring up at him and smiling, Tim was fucking into him, was holding him by his hips and he was useless and he thought he wouldn't come, it was a bit too rough, too deep, too fast, it was ridiculous, he isn't fucking fifteen, is he, Tim isn't too, Tim said _let's try this_ and they did and that is how he came, he did and he felt like he stabbed himself with a knife repeatedly, he felt amazing, he felt so good and then he fell, Tim pulled him down, Tim grabbed him by his arms and came inside him, well, inside the condom, but that's how it felt, Tim said he hoped he hadn't spoiled anything and what did he mean, what, Ginger doesn't know, still doesn't know, his head's still heavy, empty, spinning, he fell on top of Tim and they fell asleep together, close and naked, sticky and they reeked of sweat.

Sweat was what he felt on his back when he woke up.

He felt sweat and Tim's hot, tired, sleepy breath, Tim lying there next to him, Tim sleeping with him in his bedroom downstairs, Tim's hands touching him, Tim hugging him, that's how he woke up. He woke up and it was still dark outside, it was still that Friday, it was a Friday and it was November and it was dark outside, it was just a few hours later that he woke up, he woke up and jumped and sweat appeared on his skin.

So he got up, he got out of bed and Tim woke up, Tim was hot, sleepy, tired, Tim was naked, blinking at him and squinting at the light he turned on and they've forgotten to turn off, he said _what_ and Ginger said _I should go_ and he thought he should have, he thought that, and Tim said _what_ and probably meant why, Tim was sleepy and Ginger said his wife's name, he said _Erin_ and Tim said Erin was at her friend's and out of town, Tim said he'd told her he'd be having guests, Tim said she didn't like to cook and that those things he'd asked about belonged to her, Tim said _did I forget to tell you_ , Tim's probably depressed, Tim's a mess, Tim said _come here_ and he did, he thought he should've left and he came there, there where Tim already was, he came back to bed in Tim's bedroom downstairs in Tim's house on the other side of town, that's what he did.

That's what he did and Tim pulled him close, Tim put his face in his hair he'd been touching so much and had said was soft, Tim said _hm, soft_ when he put his face in his hair and then he hugged him and Ginger hugged him back, of course, he hugged him back and it felt good, it felt so good to lie there hugging, naked and so close, of course, it did, that's how it feels, it is like sex, it's pleasant, it's just that's not how you do things and he felt so good, he felt amazing, he felt like he was falling and his head was spinning, that's how he felt, like this, and Tim felt so nice lying there next to him, Tim smelled of sweat and of tobacco, Tim smokes a lot because Tim's depressed, Tim didn't reek of beer, he just smelled of sweat and his cigarettes and he was close to him and he said _let's sleep_ and they did, their naked bodies touching, they slept in Tim's bed in Tim's bedroom downstairs, they slept through the night and he left when it was already morning.

That's when he left.

That's when he left the last time and now they are at a hotel and Tim asks him something and it registers, he hears it, he hears Tim saying _want another one_ and it's a question and he doesn't understand it, it makes no sense to him and it's not the first time Tim asks him that, Tim said those words before, Tim said so many words, Tim said _next time, okay_ and that was okay, of course, that was okay, those were just words, but Tim did mean them and they remembered them, Tim did remember them and he said _this I've not forgotten_ , he said _that is a promise I would like to keep_ , he said that when they got to the hotel, just a bit later, an hour later, maybe, when they were already naked and lying on the bed and Ginger's beard was untied, Tim'd taken off the three bright hairties off it, Tim touched it with his fingers, Tim touched him everywhere and he didn't, he didn't touch Tim much, he was useless, he was just lying there naked, getting breathless, not even on top of Tim, just on the bed, and Tim was kissing him, kissing him everywhere, Tim sat on the bed and bent over and kissed his thighs and Ginger spread his legs, of course, he did, it's more comfortable like this, and Tim held his thighs and bent over and put his mouth on his hole again, Tim said this he'd not forgotten, he did not forget he had said _next time_ and it is not, it's not next time, it's this time, it's when they are lying there naked on the bed in a hotel room, that's when Tim licks into him again.

So Tim's been licking into him, Tim's been doing this since he said this he'd not forgotten and he's been useless, he's been moaning and clenching sheets, Tim's hands on his thighs and Tim's mouth on his hole, Tim making sounds, Tim's breath hot on his skin, his breath running out, his breath missing, not present there with them in the room. He's almost not present in the room too when he comes, he's not fully there, he's empty, heavy, spinning, he comes with Tim's mouth on his hole, he comes like that and it feels amazing and he thinks he's never felt like this, at least, that's what he thinks he thinks, because his head is so empty, there's nothing there.

Tim's there with him on the bed, Tim caresses his thighs and they are trembling, he is shaking, he's just come and it is fine, it is like that sometimes, it hasn't been like that for him in a while, it was like that not so long ago, in November, it was like that when he came on top of Tim on Tim's cock on his heels, when he was sweaty, breathless, seeing almost nothing, his hair on his face, Tim staring up at him, it was like that, he was shaking and Tim was fucking into him and coming, Tim came inside him, that's how it felt, and this time it feels like he's not fully there, but Tim is, Tim is holding him by his thighs and kissing them while he is lying there with his shaking legs spread wide, Tim says _fuck, I want you so much_ and keeps touching him, he says _is this alright_ and starts touching him, Tim touches his hole again, not with his mouth, with his fingers, and he says something and it's alright, of course, it is alright, he thought they'd fuck, didn't he, that's what he thought, that's what he thinks now and it's okay, it's not a problem, it feels amazing and they do.

They don't do it then.

Tim puts his fingers into him, Tim licks into him and makes him come and then he says _is this alright_ and starts touching him again, touching him while his head's still spinning and he says something and it's vague, it's just some sounds and he doesn't know what he means, his head is empty, but the sounds he says sound just like _yes_ , because of course it is, they aren't doing anything that's wrong, it's nothing bad, it's fucking good, so he says _yes_ , he means that it's alright and Tim puts his fingers into him and he thinks they are going to fuck.

They don't fuck.

Tim's fingers are inside him, deep, but gentle, and he's lying there, he's still trying to catch his missing breath, he's on the bed with his legs spread wide and this time it isn't dark outside and it isn't in the room, but his eyes are closed and Tim's fingers are inside him and Tim isn't stretching him, Tim starts doing something else, Tim finds his prostate and starts rubbing at it and well, he isn't fifteen anymore, so that's definitely happened and it is not about him playing in fucking bands, it's more about health, it's about him being almost fifty, it's just a thing you do when you're almost fifty and it's fine, but it's not how you do it, that thing Tim is doing is nothing, nothing like it was back then and that is good, because that was just a health thing, those were just check ups and Tim is not a doctor, Tim plays in bands, Tim's doing something else and it is good, it feels so good, it's not how he felt before, it's not like he does this everyday.

He doesn't and what Tim does is touches him from the inside, Tim doesn't hurt him, it is warm, it's gentle, tentative, like Tim's not sure, like he is searching blindly for something, like he's trying to catch something too and it's not just him who's looking for his breath, Tim touches him like that and he lifts his heavy head, his empty, spinning head, opening his eyes, squinting at the lights, and Tim's staring at his face, Tim is looking for something there, Tim's already found his prostate and he is touching it, he is rubbing at it and it feels great and Tim says _yeah?_ and _like this?_ and Ginger doesn't know what he means, he doesn't know if it's like this or not like this, he doesn't do this everyday, he's done it, but that was different, those were just check ups, he wasn't lying there naked, breathless, shaking, wired, hot, he was fully there, he hadn't come just five minutes before that happened, so he doesn't know what to say and Tim makes no sense, Tim does things the way things are not done, Tim fingers him and asks him things and his words get lost in his empty, heavy head, Tim's words are spinning there and he says _yeah_ or maybe it's an _uhm_ but that doesn't matter, because what he tries to say is, well, he doesn't know what he tries to say, it's just he came just five minutes earlier, he came with Tim's mouth on his hole, he was shaking and he still is, he doesn't know anything, he doesn't know his own name, he knows Tim's and Tim knows his, though he doesn't say it, Tim says _okay_ and nods and smiles and what does he mean by that, he didn't ask him anything, it was Tim who asked him, wasn't it, it was, it must have been.

So Tim says things.

Tim says _see you_ and he's still in bed, he's still sleepy, he must be depressed, he's a mess, but Ginger doesn't ask, Ginger doesn't say anything, Ginger nods and smiles and leaves Tim in bed in the morning, he leaves Tim's house in the morning and goes home and he doesn't say much before that, well, he says things to Tim, he shows him some bikes and they talk about the effects of music industry on people's brains, they laugh and eat stuff Tim made and then he comes in Tim's mouth sitting there useless on Tim's couch and Tim doesn't and they watch a movie, they are sitting there, their shoulders touching, and he gets a text, he checks his phone like Tim's been checking his, but not as often, he checks it for the first time and there is a text and it says _where are you_ and _are you coming back soon_ and _can you buy some things for me_ and the text doesn't call him by his name, it doesn't call him Ginj, it calls him something else and it's alright, that's what some people call each other when they're married and he texts back, he says _sure, tell me what you need_ and _yeah_ and _at a friend's place_ , these are his words.

These aren't Tim's.

Tim's words are _come on_ and _let's go_ , Tim gets up from the couch when the movie's over and rubs his shoulders and drags him into his bedroom downstairs and it is dark outside, so Tim turns on the lights, these are Tim's words and Tim calls him Ginj, Tim fucks him and comes inside him and says he hopes he didn't spoil anything and he means his orgasm, of course, that's what he means, because he grabbed him by his arms and pulled him closer and fucked into him while he was still coming, shuddering on top of him, hot and breathless, wired, stabbed with a knife, he fell on top of Tim and Tim was holding him in his arms, so that's what he means. Tim means that and he calls him Ginj, he does it a few times, and he calls Tim his friend, he does, but they aren't, they aren't friends, they haven't talked in six or seven years and before that they were just colleagues, but they talked that day, they did, they talked a lot, for two hours straight and they laughed and it was really nice, so they aren't friends, but they could be, they could be friends, Ginger thinks, Ginger doesn't think they are, though at that moment that feels like truth, almost, because they are just talking and hanging out on the couch and showing each other stuff online and eating stuff Tim's cooked and they watch a movie and it feels like they are friends, almost, almost, because it's been just a few days since Tim said _okay_ two times in a row and kissed him for the first time, since Tim fucked him and said things, said _next time, okay_ , said _you like that_ , said _is that alright_ , said _fuck, Ginj_ and not once, because then they sit on the couch and they watch a movie and while they are doing that their shoulders touch and before that Tim was touching him, Tim was kissing him, Tim sucked him off and he was useless, he was on the couch in his living room and he said he'd thought they'd fuck, he came in Tim's mouth, that's what happened, so it's not all there is to it, so Tim's not just his friend, but that is what he says, that's what he says in the text he sends back.

And that's okay.

Of course, that is okay, those are just words and also it's not like that, of course, it's not like that and he told Tim so, when Tim asked, he plays in fucking bands and they've talked it over and also it's a text, it's not a letter and not a conversation, so he says _at a friend's place_ answering the first question that he sees in there.

He says _yeah._

The text says _are you coming back soon_ and he says _yeah._

He says _yeah_ when Tim asks him _yeah?_ and _like this?_ and then Tim nods, Tim smiles and keeps touching him from the inside, searching for something within his empty body, looking at his face, and he comes in a few more minutes.

He doesn't come back soon.

He comes back — he comes home — in the morning, he leaves Tim in bed, naked and still sleepy, he leaves Tim's house that is pretty far from his and drives back, drives back to his house and says some things, he does, but not many, it's longer than a text, but it's not a letter, it's a conversation, but it is short and that's alright, he says _former colleague_ and he says _beer_ and he says _bikes_ and he says _guns_ and he says _beer_ and he says that his friend's house is pretty far away and then they talk about those things he bought on his way back and about other things, that's what they do.

That's not what they do with Tim.

What they do with Tim is something new, well, it is, he plays in bands, but he hasn't tried everything, has he.

He tried this, this thing they are doing with Tim in a hotel room, but not like that, not like that at all, it's nothing similar and what they do with Tim is nothing bad, it feels amazing and it makes him come, it makes him moan and shake again, it makes him empty, Tim does, Tim makes him come and moan, Tim makes him empty and he's shaking, shaking with Tim's fingers in his hole, Tim rubbing at his prostate, looking at his face, blinking, his forehead wrinkled just between his eyebrows, Tim's eyes on him and his eyes blurry, rolling back, his fingers lost between the wrinkles on the sheets again.

He comes like that and the room is spinning and the lights are on and Tim is looking at his face and smiling and Tim's fingers are inside him, so deep inside him and it feels...

"Want another one?" Tim asks.

And the last time Tim asked him this, the first time Tim asked him this he was asking him about cigarettes, he was offering him one and he said _no_ , he said _no_ because he doesn't smoke as much as he did before and Tim does, Tim hasn't been himself lately, Tim said this, Tim said many things.

Tim said they should go to a hotel and they did and when they got there Tim undressed him, not right away, but pretty soon, they chatted first, just a little, not a letter, just a conversation, they talked and then Tim undressed him and undressed himself and he wasn't wearing underwear and he was smiling, he was smiling when Ginger left him in the morning, he was sleepy, naked, lying there on the bed, his short hair a sticky jagged mess and his face wrinkled from the sleep, but not from the six or seven years they haven't talked to one another, and Ginger didn't want to leave.

Ginger didn't want to leave Tim's bed and Tim in it, he thought of staying, that he did and that's alright, that's what happens when you sleep with people, they lie there naked in the morning and you feel you really like them and you do, you really like them and you don't want to leave, you want to sit there and look at them and that's how he felt, that's what he wanted in the morning, he didn't want to leave.

He said nothing when he left, he just nodded with a smile.

That was in November and it is still November and they are in bed again and they are in a hotel and Tim's just undressed him and Tim is also naked and Tim is touching him, Tim is saying _hm_ and it is so soft and so warm and he is ticklish and it's Tim breath and he wants to touch Tim too, he should touch him, he should've touched him earlier as well, Tim sucked him off and they watched a movie and he did nothing, he was useless and it's not how things are done, well, sometimes it happens, of course, it happens and it isn't bad, not necessarily, it's just Tim said _hm_ when Ginger came in his mouth and he says _hm_ again, right now, and it makes him empty, wired, hot, it melts him and he isn't doing anything and he wants to, of course, he wants to, he wants to touch him so much, but it's not him who's doing that, it's Tim, Tim's touching him, touching him everywhere, caressing his skin and his hair and his beard, Tim's close, so close and Tim's hand is on his cock and then he's on his back and Tim says things about promises and puts his mouth on his hole and it's way too fast, he doesn't have the time, he didn't have the chance, he still hasn't done anything, he was just lying there useless, melting, close to Tim and that's what he does next, that's all he does and Tim licks into him and then he comes, he comes like that and it feels amazing, it is more than that, it is so much it is enough, it should be, but Tim says _fuck, I want you so much_ and keeps touching him and he keeps lying there with his legs spread wide and shaking, spinning and not fully there.

He comes again.

He comes again with Tim's fingers in his hole, rubbing at him, touching him from the inside, Tim's eyes on his face, Tim looking like he can't look away, like he looks at his cigarettes sometimes, but for much longer and also his forehead wrinkles and he blinks, he is aroused and Ginger's too, he is and he's just come, he came not so long ago, he came with Tim's mouth on his hole and he comes again, Tim asks him _yeah_? and he breathes out some sounds that are vague, that make no sense, Tim says _like this_? and touches his prostate, gently, searching, soft, and he doesn't know, this has never happened and then it happens and he comes.

"Want another one?" Tim asks him after that and he doesn't know what he means, what, what does he even mean, but it's not about cigarettes, it can't be, and he needs to answer, he needs to say some things like Tim has said some things, but not like that, because you don't say things like this like that.

It is a question and he needs to answer, so he does, he breathes out vague sounds that make no sense, he does that and Tim does something else, Tim's still touching him, caressing his thighs, slowly, in circles, softly, gentle, Tim doesn't hurt him, Tim just makes him come again, he breathes out sounds and Tim says _okay_ and never looks away, he draws with his fingers on his skin and he draws sounds out of him and they are moans, Tim searches for something blindly on the bed and doesn't look away, just stares at his face, just wrinkles his between the eyebrows, Tim puts his wet fingers back inside him, slowly and way too fast, too deep, too _raw_ , Tim finds his prostate one more time, now sure, but still carefull, Tim keeps touching him and now it feels like he knows what he's doing, what is he doing, Ginger doesn't know what he's doing, he's never done it, well, he has, but that was different, it didn't feel like this, this feels, this feels just like it felt when he was on top of Tim on his heels, it feels like being stabbed while being breathless, sweaty, anxious, but in a different way, it feels like he is a moth that's pierced through with a pin and he feels useless just like that pierced moth, like those moths people pierce through with pins and keep fuck knows why, that's how he feels and he feels amazing and Tim keeps touching him, touching him from the inside and his skin too, Tim puts his lips on him, Tim kisses him everywhere.

He comes in Tim's mouth that Tim puts on his cock, Tim does this just in time, Tim fingers him and he feels the way he felt when Tim was fucking into him and he was on his heels and he's sweaty now too, he's moaning, making sounds that he doesn't know the name of, saying Tim's name that he knows, saying it even though he has no breath left, it's all been sucked out of him, he's been emptied, he is spinning, not doing anything, useless with his shaking legs spread wide, Tim kissing them, kissing everything and touching him on the inside.

So it feels the same, almost, almost, because when he was on top of Tim on his heels in Tim's bedroom downstairs he was moving, he was useless and it was way too fast, too rough, too deep, he thought he wouldn't come, it was ridiculous, he wasn't fifteen then and he isn't now, but he came, he came that time and Tim pulled him down and came inside him and he comes this time too and it feels the same, almost, because this time he's on his back on the bed in a hotel and he can't move, he's just a moth that's pierced through with a pin and he is useless and it is slow, it's soft and warm and so slow, it's deep and raw because he's been pierced through and he isn't falling, there is a pin inside him, Tim's fingers are inside him and he is shaking, his legs are spread wide and shaking and he cannot breathe and his hair is sweaty, wet, clinging to his face, he cannot move but he does, wriggling there on the pin, useless and confused and Tim is not, Tim knows what he's doing, he's just done it, he is sure, he's rubbing at his prostate, planting kisses on his sweaty skin and he doesn't know anything, he doesn't know if he'll come, he can't think, there's nothing in his empty head, no thoughts, a moth has no thoughts, it's just a moth.

This is how he feels this time and last time he felt like he was stabbed with a knife, like he stabbed himself because he was moving, and the first time, the first time they fucked, the first time Tim fucked him he felt like he was shot, he felt amazing and more than that and of course he wasn't, of course, he wasn't shot or stabbed and he's not a moth, that's just ridiculous, that makes no sense, he's just having sex and that is fine, it's not a problem, it's just he's never done this, well, he has, he had sex and people fucked him and he came and it felt great, it did, of course, it did, it's how sex is, it's just he's never done this, not this, not what Tim is doing, and if he has that was different, it was in a doctor's office, it was a check up and not this, not this, it was different, but now it is this and Tim is doing it, doing it exactly like this, like things aren't done, like before, so he feels the same, almost, almost, he feels...

He comes in Tim's mouth again, Tim puts it on him just in time and Tim's fingers are inside him and then Tim says his name and swears and his hands are on him, he touches him and his hands are shaking, his hands are on his thighs and on his chest, his stomach, shoulders, face, Tim kisses him, on his lips and then his hands, Tim says he's amazing, _fuck, you're amazing_ , Tim says, Tim said his hair was soft and that he really liked it, really liked him, and now his hair's sweaty, he is sweaty, soaked through, pierced through like a moth, shuddering and useless, he can't move and can't look away, he stares up at Tim and lights hurt his eyes and Tim's hair is blond and Tim's a bit pale, there is all this white and bright that he sees and everything's spinning and it hurts his eyes, but Tim doesn't hurt him and he stares up at him and he can't look away, he can't close his eyes and he can't catch his breath, it is lost, it's not his anymore, it's Tim's breath tickling his skin, Tim saying things, Tim saying _fuck, you're amazing_ and _hm_ while he is touching him, everywhere, from the inside and his skin, caressing everything he can reach and everything is sweaty and everything is shaking, empty, spinning, wired, hot and Tim is touching him.

"God, don't even know if I could do this," Tim says while touching him.

Tim's touching him and says this and then chuckles softly, the way he did when he asked Ginger if he could untie his beard and called himself a pervert and said he wasn't one and it was nothing weird, said he just wanted to see how it looked and he is looking at him now and says he doesn't know if he could do this and of course he could, he's just done this, so what does he mean, he's done this to him, he's melted him and it's fine, it's all fine, because he said yes, because it's nothing bad, he didn't hurt him, it's just sex and it is like this sometimes and Tim asked this time, Tim asked him and he said _yeah_ or _uhm_ , he made some sounds and he moaned while he was coming and again and then again, he came three times already and it's not a problem, of course, it's not, it's just he's never come three times in a row, he's never done this and he's almost fifty and he plays in bands, but that's alright too, it is, it is not like he does things like this every day and he doesn't have to, he doesn't do it like this and this is not how it is done, it's how Tim does it and Tim did, Tim did it and now Tim is telling him he doesn't know if he could.

Tim says that while he's still lying there shaking with his legs spread wide and he's just come, he's just come in Tim's mouth and Tim hasn't, Tim hasn't come yet and Tim is touching him and Tim's cock is touching his, because Tim's on top of him, Tim's kissing him, lying there between his legs spread wide, and Tim hasn't come in his mouth, he did and Tim didn't, Tim sucked him off at his house in his living room on the couch and now too, he took him in his mouth right before he came with Tim's fingers deep inside him and he's been useless, he didn't do anything, he didn't suck Tim off, he almost didn't touch him and it's not like he has to, of course, he doesn't have to, it can be like that too, it happens, but he wants to, of course, he wants to, so much, wants to touch Tim, he wants Tim so much, but he is useless, he is so useless and Tim is so close, Tim is kissing him and he is melted, Tim melted him and he wants to tell him that, Tim says _don't even know if I could do this_ , but he did, Tim did it and he wants to tell him this, he wants to tell Tim things and Tim's so close and he should, he should tell him this, but he can't, he doesn't have the time, doesn't have the chance, because Tim is kissing him and because he's melted and melted things don't speak, they can't speak just like moth, just like he can't, he wants to, of course, he wants to, he wants Tim and he wants to scream, but he can't, he just moans weakly when Tim turns him on his side and he keeps moaning after that, because he's lost his breath and you need breath to say things and he wants to say them, he wants to say them so much, he thinks he needs to, at least, that's what he thinks he thinks, because Tim turns him over and now they are on their sides and close and Tim helps him turn and helps him bend his knee and puts it over his own thigh and puts his fingers back inside him, Tim searches blindly for something on the bed, Tim looks at him and he looks at Tim, Tim puts lube on his fingers — that's what he was searching for — and puts them inside him one more time and he thought they'd fuck and they do, but not then, they do it later and then, now, they do not, what they do is they lie on their sides and they kiss and what is it they do, what are they doing, what's Tim doing to him, what is _he_ doing, well, he's coming one more time, not right away, but he is and Tim is coming too, Tim fingers him again, rubbing at his prostate, looking at his face, Tim's face so close to his, Tim's breath on his face, tickling him, Tim bites his lips and blinks and breathes in ragged bursts of air and he doesn't, he doesn't breathe, he just moans while Tim fingers him again and he doesn't see Tim, even though they're so close, well, first he does and he can't look away, doesn't have the chance, doesn't want to, but then he can't, then he comes and his eyes roll back and go blurry, he comes and bursts into tears, he does, he does and that's alright, it happens, it has never happened, he's never done it, he's never come four times in a row, he's never done things like this and it's okay, of course, it is okay and he isn't really crying, he is alright, he is fine, Tim didn't hurt him, Tim's just pierced him like a moth and it didn't hurt, it was deep and soft and raw and it didn't hurt, it was fine, it was great, it was more than that, much more than that, it was amazing and Tim said he was amazing and what did he even mean, what, and when he comes and bursts into tears Tim says _fuck, Ginj_ , Tim says his name and kisses him and hugs him and it's just too much, it is, it was enough the first time and now it's too much, that's it, that's what this is, what is this, Tim pulls him even closer and kisses him and jerks off, fast and rough and then comes, Tim comes too, less than a minute after Ginger does, Ginger comes with Tim's fingers touching him on the inside and Tim comes jerking off and kissing him.

He comes four times in a row and Tim comes just once, Tim makes him come and says he doesn't even know if he could do this and that is what he does.

That is what they do.

What they do next is lie on the bed together, hugging, and he is shaking, sweaty, breathless, melted, pierced, not fully there, and Tim is there, Tim cups his face and says _shit_ and asks _are you alright_ , Tim looks concerned and he can see him, it's blurry, but he can, and he says _yes_ , because he is, because nothing's happened, well, things have happened, but they weren't bad and it is fine, it's not a problem, sometimes it is like that, though it's never been like that, he's never burst into tears, well, he has, but not while having sex, but this time he did and it's okay, he's okay, he is alright, that's what he says, that's what Tim asks him, isn't it, he means _are you alright, you're crying_ , and he isn't, he isn't really crying, it's just a bit too much and he isn't crying, he isn't crying now, but he's cried before, of course, he's cried, he's not a moth, he's a human being and people cry, but he isn't crying, so he says _yes_ when Tim asks him _are you alright_ , he says _yes_ and he means he's fine, he says _sometimes it happens_ and it does, people cry, don't they, and Tim says _oh_ , Tim says _okay_ , Tim says _I didn't know_ and what does he fucking mean, of course, he knows, he knows people cry sometimes, it makes no sense, nothing does and what Tim does is puts his fingers in his hair and smiles and keeps touching him, kissing him, looking at him like he looked at him before, but for much longer.

What they do next is they stay in bed.

They stay in bed and Tim gets up and brings them cigarettes and he says _yes_ when Tim asks him if he wants one and he says _thank you_ when Tim brings him water and then again when Tim brings him coke, Tim also brings his own phone and they show each other things, they talk and he keeps lying on the bed all that time and it's two hours, at least two hours, they stay in bed for two more hours, hugging, naked, close and talking, laughing, and Tim kisses him, Tim caresses his hair and braids it, braids his beard and then unties it and just touches it all the time and laughs about it and he laughs too, he smiles at him, looks at him, he kisses Tim, kisses Tim back and they just chat and lie next to each other, they don't have sex, though Tim looks like he wants to, Tim's cock gets hard and he feels it touching him, because they are so close, but they don't do anything about it, he doesn't do anything about it, Tim doesn't either, Tim says nothing, well, he says a lot, much more than him, but not about this, Tim doesn't even mention this and he's still useless, he thinks maybe he should touch Tim too, should do something for him, should make him come, should kiss him, he thinks that, but he never does, because he's useless, because they just lie in bed, their shoulders touching, and they chat and browse stuff online on Tim's phone Tim brings to bed, they smoke - Tim smokes more than him - and they drink the coke, they share the can, they just stay in bed for two more hours.

After that they leave.

Then they come back.

But first they leave, because they get hungry. They get hungry and they put on their clothes and he combs Tim's sticky hair and Tim cracks jokes about their hair perversion and then they go out, they go for a ride and they grab a bite, Tim throws fries in his mouth and he gets an omelette god knows why and they talk about it, Tim tells him things about cooking and how he got into that and how he then stopped and says that he'd love to start again, but he can't right now, because his old fuck crisis pisses Erin off enough without his awful cooking, and Ginger listens, Ginger nods and says he's sorry and he is, he says he hopes it'll pass, he says that and he does, of course, he does, even though they aren't friends, because they aren't, but then it feels like they almost are, they are just chatting and they're eating fries, they both are eating Tim's fries and he gets an omelette, they go for a ride when they finish eating and they drive around and they smoke and Tim smokes more than him, Tim smokes a lot, just as much as he did before or maybe less or maybe not, he doesn't know, they were never friends, they were just colleagues and they didn't smoke together much and now they are still not friends, though at times it feels like they are, it almost feels like that, it does, but not quite, it doesn't feel like they are friends when Tim is touching him, every time Tim touches him he feels like he is back on the bed in a hotel room, he feels like Tim's fingers aren't on his skin, he feels like they're inside him, he feels that every time they touch and when Tim looks at him and Tim does, Tim touches him from time to time and looks at him and smiles and checks his phone and smokes a lot.

Tim checks his phone and looks at him.

"Hey, do you mind if we drive by my friends' place before we go back?" he asks. "It's not far."

Ginger doesn't mind. He shakes his head. Of course, he doesn't mind. Why would he mind.

So they drive by Tim's friends' place, well, Ginger drives and Tim smokes next to him, Tim hasn't had his check engine thing fixed and goes everywhere in a taxi, so it is Ginger's car they drive by Tim's friends' place.

"Come on," Tim says, when they get there and Ginger parks the car, when they get out and Tim takes his hand in his own for a second, Tim touches him. "We won't stay long."

And they don't.

They stay at Tim's friends' place for twenty minutes and there is some sort of a party there and it is nothing like those parties they used to have when they were in the same band, well, they didn't have them together, not like friends, but parties happened and there were drugs and alcohol and people Ginger didn't know the names of.

He doesn't know the names of Tim's friends either.

He knows Erin, though.

He remembers her, she isn't very tall and she has black hair and she's Tim's wife and she is there at the party, it's not Tim's friends' place that they drive by, it's _their_ friends' place.

He says _hi_.

He says _hi_ to her and Tim kisses her and she remembers him as well, of course, she remembers him, they've met many times, they used to be in the same band with Tim, they were in the same band for years, but they weren't friends, they haven't talked for six or seven years and now they are there, they are there at the party at Tim's and his wife's friends' place and Tim introduces him to some of them and doesn't tell him their names, _we'll fuck off soon, anyway_ , Tim says and smiles, Tim smiles when he sees Erin and then waves at her and then she comes close to them and Ginger says _hi_ to her.

Tim kisses her and they chat and Tim brings them drinks, Tim brings them canapes and cracks jokes about stabbing food and Erin calls him a Swedish redneck and an idiot and then she asks if Tim's old fuck crisis - _Tim's northern melancholia_ , she says - has been causing Ginger troubles, _you're hanging out with him_ , she says, _we've hanged out with Ginj_ , Tim says some time before that, telling her about his day, _are you putting up with him_ , she asks, _he's not on his best nowadays, he's a bit annoying and just wants to sleep all the time and makes a mess out of everything he touches_ , that's what she says.

Ginger says some words.

Ginger says Tim's not annoying, says he hopes his old fuck crisis - _old fuck crisis_ , he says and Tim snorts - passes soon, says he doesn't mind anything - that's not true, he minds things, he minds saying this - says they worked together and they were colleagues and it's alright, it's not a problem, he says that and Erin smiles and Tim snorts again.

Tim snorts and puts his hand on his shoulder and says _was I that obnoxious_ and he shakes his head and Erin laughs and Tim laughs too and then they chat, they chat for ten more minutes and it's not long, they don't stay for long, they just stay for ten more minutes and spend them standing next to Erin and it is also alright, it is not a problem, it just isn't, Tim said so, _not like this_ , Tim said and made a face, that's what Tim said when they ran into each other at the festival the second time and he said the same, it's not like this, it is okay, it's what some people do when they're married and they are those people.

They are those people and it is fine, it's nothing bad, it's how things can be done, it is alright, it's just he feels a bit like how he felt when he was in their house in the bedroom downstairs, when Tim was fucking into him, when he was on top of Tim, on his heels and breathless, stabbed with a knife, sweaty — he is sweaty — when he thought he wouldn't come and then did, it feels like that, it feels the same, almost the same, why does it feel the same, he's just standing there next to Tim and next to Erin at the party, they are chatting, smiling, laughing, cracking jokes, they know each other, not well, but they do, he was in the same band with Tim for years and they — Tim and Erin — have been married since forever, he knows them and they're just talking and it's fine, of course, it's fine, it's just he feels like he might topple over, like he's falling, like that time when he came on top of Tim and thought he wouldn't and then did and Tim came inside him, well, inside the condom, but inside him, Tim pulled him down by his arms and fucked into him and that was then, that isn't now, now Tim's hand is on his shoulder and they are chatting with Tim's wife and her name is Erin.

Tim's wife's called Erin and they chat with her for ten more minutes and it isn't long, it really isn't, but Tim's hand is on his shoulder that entire time, Tim's touching him and he feels sweat between his shoulderblades, he feels like his breath is leaving him, it's a bit hard to laugh and to say words and to chat, so he says less than them, he nods and smiles and Tim tells Erin all about the fries and omelette that they had and says he thinks about starting cooking and says _don't kill me_ and Erin laughs and says _don't kill **me**_ and Tim snorts, she means _don't kill me with your awful cooking_ , that's what she means, and then she talks with Tim about her day and her yesterday, because they saw each other yesterday, but they didn't talk much, because Tim's sleeping schedule is fucked up, because he is a mess, he has his northern fuck crisis, so they talk and Tim's hand is on his shoulder all that time and it is fine, it's just Tim's hand, it's just every time he touches him he doesn't feel like Tim is touching him, he feels like Tim is turning him into a mess, like Tim's fingers are inside him, he feels just like before when he came once and then again and then again and then again, that's how he feels, why does he feel like that, they are just talking, well, he isn't saying much just like before when he came four times in a row, he doesn't know what to say, they aren't friends with Tim and they aren't friends with Erin, he just knows her because he used to work with Tim, and they — Tim and Erin — talk about her day and her yesterday, catching up, and it's not a letter, it's a conversation, it's a chat, it's ten minutes long and it's not hard, of course, it isn't hard, it's just he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if he should say something, he thinks he should say something and he doesn't know what and also Tim's hand is on his shoulder, Tim is touching him, why is Tim touching him, why does he feel like that.

Tim says he'll unfuck up his sleeping schedule, he'll try, and then he tells her — Erin — about some stuff Ginger showed him online when they were lying naked on the bed with Tim's phone earlier that day and Ginger says some words, he smiles and he nods, he answers questions, he says some words he thinks he should say, he doesn't say the words he thinks he should say, he doesn't say much and it's okay, it's not like he has to, it's not like that, is it, it's all fine, Tim said so, he said so, of course, it is okay, it's just not how things are done, it's not, it's how Tim does things, Tim takes his hand off his shoulder and says _see you tomorrow_ , says that to Erin and then kisses her and she says _nice meeting you_ , she says that to Ginger, she says _thanks for taking care of this Swedish mess_ and Tim snorts and Ginger nods, Ginger smiles, Ginger's sweaty, there is sweat between his shoulderblades and he says _bye_ , he says _bye_ to Tim's wife they've talked to for ten minutes, he says _bye_ to Erin.

Tim puts his hand on his back when they kiss next to the car.

Tim says _come on_ and then _let's go_ and they do, they leave the party and they walk out and they stop near the car and Tim's hand is under his jacket on his back and Tim's kissing him, Tim pulls away and his hand is lying there between his shoulderblades.

"God, you're soaked through," Tim says after he kisses him. "That fucking house. It's always too hot in there."

He is soaked through, he's sweaty, he's sweaty just like when he was on top of Tim on his heels on Tim's bed in Tim's bedroom in Tim's house, he was soaked through, breathless, anxious, wired, hot, it was too hot, too fast, too deep, too rough, it didn't hurt, of course, it didn't hurt, but he was sweaty, he was sweaty just like he was today, earlier today, when he was lying there useless on the bed in a hotel room, when he came with Tim's mouth on his hole and then again with Tim's fingers in him and again and then once more, when Tim was looking at him, Tim was close, Tim watched him come, Tim made him come and he burst into tears, he wasn't crying, he was just sweaty, he was soaked through, he came four fucking times and that'd never happened, he hadn't done anything like that and now he has, he has and it is not how it is done, it's not how anything like this is done, it's how Tim does things, Tim puts his hand between his shoulderblades and kisses him and he's sweaty, sweaty just like he was before, just like that, almost like it, almost, because this time they were just chatting, just talking with Tim's wife Erin, just drinking stuff Tim brought them and eating the canapes Tim cracked jokes about, they just talked for ten or fifteen minutes, probably fifteen, so more than ten, but less than twenty, they talked and he didn't know what to say, he thought he should say something, he should've said something, shouldn't he, he should've, but he didn't, he didn't know what to say and he thought he should say something, at least that's what he thinks he thought, his head is empty and was empty, it was spinning when Tim fucked him, fingered him, licked into him, when Tim melted him, and he was sweaty and it was a bit too hot, it was, but just a bit and Tim wasn't fucking him, he wasn't having sex, Tim just put his hand on his shoulder and they were chatting with Tim's wife and he got sweaty, not soaked through, but sweaty, like before, like when Tim was fucking him, like when he was inside him, why was it like this, why was he sweaty, he wasn't having sex and it was a bit too hot, but just a bit, it wasn't like this, it isn't that, Tim was just touching him, Tim just put his hand on his shoulder and he felt like he was falling, like when Tim was fucking him, he was a mess, maybe she's right, Tim's wife, maybe Erin's right, maybe Tim does make a mess out of everything he touches and Tim touched him, Tim was touching him and maybe Tim's not a mess, maybe he's a mess.

He's a mess.

Two hours later he's just a useless mess.

Tim kisses him near the car and says that his friends' house is always way too hot and they get in, get in the car and drive away, they didn't stay for long, they just drove by before they went back, they go back to the hotel, that's what they do, and what they do in there is lie in bed again, Tim says he's tired, he's always tired nowadays, _I haven't done fucking anything and now I'm tired_ , Tim says and shakes his head and he's wrong, he's done some things, he's done a lot, too much, more than enough, it's Ginger who hasn't done enough, who did nothing.

So they lie in bed because Tim's tired and Tim turns off his phone, Tim checks it one more time and turns it off and puts it on the nightstand and then turns to Ginger and they talk and it's not a letter and not a conversation and not a text, it is just words they say that don't make much sense and Tim is humming, because some songs've gotten stuck in his head, so he is humming, he takes Ginger's hand in his own and makes him tap his fingers, says _hey, drummer, do the drumming_ and then laughs and Ginger laughs too and taps his fingers while Tim is humming, and then they smoke and Tim smokes a lot, Tim touches him and kisses him from time to time and they aren't naked, well, Tim takes off his T-shirt and that's it and Tim kisses him, touches him, his hair and his beard and his hands, his face and smiles, humming, saying _hm_ and looking at him, his eyelids heavy, they are always heavy, but now Tim's just sleepy, Tim is tired and they are in bed.

Tim gets hard.

They aren't naked, they are close, Tim's close to him and he feels his cock through his jeans and it is hard and he has come four times today, Tim made him come, Tim melted him, but Tim hasn't come, well, he came just once and now he is hard and he hasn't done anything for him, not even once, he's done nothing, he is useless, he said nothing, just stupid words, vague, he made no sense, and it's not how things are done, well, sometimes they are done like this, sometimes it happens and it is not exactly bad, though sometimes it is, but not now, not with Tim, it isn't bad, it is alright, it's more than that, it is amazing, it's just he wants him so much, he wants to tell him things, he wants to do something for him and he fucking should, why hasn't he done anything, why hasn't he even touched him, he hasn't touched him, well, he has, but not really, just a bit, he hasn't touched Tim yet.

He hasn't touched him and now he is hard, Tim's hard and close to him, he should touch him, he has the fucking chance, he has the time, Tim's not touching him, well, he is, Tim's touching him, of course, Tim's touching him and they are kissing, they are close, their bodies touching, and he does nothing, he just breathes out words.

Tim frowns.

"Aren't you sore?" he asks and his forehead wrinkles just a little, just between his eyebrows.

And he isn't sore, he's not, Tim didn't hurt him, he's fine, it is fine, they could fuck and what he said, it wasn't that, but they could, it's not a problem, he's fine with that, what he said was something else, he said some words, vague, stupid words that make no sense, that made no sense to him, he said _I_ and _you_ and _can_ and _anything_ and _want_ and he mixed them and some words are missing, it was not a conversation, not a phrase, just some words that made no sense to him, that made sense to Tim, that Tim thought meant he'd offered him to fuck and he didn't, he doesn't know what he did, doesn't know what he meant, doesn't know what he's saying, he should say things, things, not words, not these vague, stupid words, but he does, he breathes out words and Tim frowns, Tim looks concerned and he shouldn't be, it's not a problem, he isn't sore and he's done that before and they could fuck, he's fucked before and they've fucked before and that's alright, so he says he isn't, he isn't sore.

"Okay," Tim says and smiles.

"Fuck, okay," Tim says and gets even closer.

"Fuck, I want you," Tim says and undresses him and takes off his own jeans and touches him, starts touching him again, it's not him who's touching Tim, it's Tim again and Tim says things, Tim says _you feel so nice_ and _hm_ and _I want you_ and his name, he says his name, he says _Ginj_ and not once and he is silent, well, he's not, because he moans, he doesn't say anything, he thinks he should, at least that's what he thinks he thinks, he doesn't have many thoughts, his head is empty, so empty, because Tim's inside him and he moans and he isn't sore, he isn't and it's fine, it's just he isn't fifteen, is he, he's almost fifty and he's come four times, Tim licked into him and fingered him and he was useless, he just moaned and he came and Tim looked at him, Tim looks at him, they are on their sides and Tim puts his cock inside him, Tim puts his wet fingers in him, Tim finds the lube, Tim fucks him on his side, Tim's hand on his sweaty spine, Tim pulls him closer, so close, and looks at him, bent over him, and he turns to Tim, turns his face to Tim, he's all twisted, his legs, his neck, his whole body, he turns to Tim and they are kissing, Tim kisses him and looks at him and fucks him and it is slow, gentle, hot, it's so hot, it is not hot in here, Tim's friends' house was more hot, it's fine in here, but he's hot, way too hot, he's sweaty and Tim's so close to him, they are so close and he is melting, he's melting next to Tim, _into_ Tim, he's a useless mess and Tim is fucking him and kissing him and touching him, Tim's hands are on him, on his skin, Tim's hugging him and holding him and they are kissing and he moans and Tim looks at him, Tim says his name and he says nothing, he just moans, he just feels Tim's breath tickling him, Tim's breath on his face, on his lips, in his mouth, inside of him, Tim's inside of him, Tim is fucking him, Tim comes inside of him.

Tim comes and it's not inside of him, they are using condoms, but Tim comes and he feels him come, Tim says _shit_ and _Ginj_ and _I can't anymore_ and _want you so much_ and stills inside of him and comes, his face buried in his hair, his hands holding him, Tim kisses him and helps him to turn over, they were fucking on their sides, it was slow, gentle, hot and they were close, their whole bodies touching, they were naked, Tim undressed him and Tim touched him and he didn't, not even once, he was just useless while Tim was fucking him, he was moaning and kissing Tim back, he was just doing that and it's alright, he's almost fifty and he came four times, he's never come four times and also he doesn't have to, does he, it can be like that too, sometimes it is like that and it is like that this time, it isn't bad, it is amazing, Tim said he was amazing, not this time, but before, this time he says something else, he helps him turn around and kisses him and says _shit, sorry_ and _I'm fucking dead_ and _next time I'll do something for you_ , _next time_ , he says and Ginger says _it's not a problem_ , of course, it's not a problem, he's hard, he fucking is, he doesn't know how he even got hard, he's come four times and he's almost fifty and Tim fucked him, Tim was fucking him and it didn't hurt, it felt amazing, it felt hot from the inside, it was slow, gentle and too deep, it was raw, he's raw, he came four times and then Tim fucked him, he doesn't know why he's even hard, he is hard, but that's okay, Tim doesn't need to do anything about it, he needs to do something for Tim, he hasn't done a single thing, he was useless and Tim is touching him, still touching him, he's sleepy and he says _next time_ and Ginger says _okay_ and Tim smiles and Tim falls asleep.

Tim falls asleep just two minutes after that and Ginger doesn't.

Ginger doesn't sleep, he stays awake, he keeps lying there on the bed with Tim, so close to him, and Tim is sleeping and he is just staring at him, can't look away, wants him so much, his shoulders shaking, why are his shoulders shaking, Tim sleeps right next to him, his hair a sticky mess on the pillow, Tim's face that isn't wrinkled so close to his, he stares at Tim's face, he looks at Tim like Tim's been looking at him, but it is not the same, because Tim's asleep now and Ginger wasn't, Ginger saw Tim looking, and the lights are on, it isn't dark in the room, but Tim doesn't see him, Tim's not awake, Tim falls asleep, because he's tired, and Ginger just lies next to him and he can't sleep, can't look away, can't do anything, he's useless and he's shaking, it isn't cold in here, it is alright and he's still hot, he's still hot because they have been fucking, Tim's just fucked him, fucked him not so long ago, before he fell asleep, and it was so hot, they were so close, they are close right now too, Tim is right next to him, so why's he shaking, what is going on.

He doesn't touch Tim.

Tim's asleep and he doesn't touch him, of course, he doesn't touch him, Tim's asleep, you shouldn't touch people who are sleeping and Tim's tired, Tim touched him, Tim touched him so much, made him come, four fucking times, and then Tim fucked him, he said he could, of course, he could, he should've done something for Tim, he should've touched him when he had the chance, when he had the time, he should've, but he didn't, it was Tim who touched him, Tim fucked him and it felt amazing, wired, hot, it felt raw, he's raw, he's tired too and he's sore, why can't he fall asleep, Tim's asleep right next to him, warm and calm and a bit pale, his hair a sticky mess and Ginger doesn't touch it, it's Tim who keeps touching him, caressing his hair and his beard, kissing him and fucking him and saying things to him and melting him, making him a mess, he is a mess, he's tired and he's sore, of course, he's fucking sore, he came four times in a row and then Tim fucked him, Tim didn't hurt him, of course, he didn't, Tim doesn't want to, it's just Ginger wants him, he wants Tim so much, he looks at him and he can't look away, he doesn't see him, it is not dark, but he can't see him, it's all blurry, he's sleepy, tired, he's exhausted, he feels raw, he is empty.

He is crying.

They spent the day together, they went to a hotel and they talked, they had sex, they had dinner, they said hello to Tim's wife and Tim fucked him and now he's asleep and Ginger's crying, well, not really, he isn't really crying, it's just his eyes are wet and he keeps shaking, he looks at Tim and he's shaking and his eyes are wet, it's just that, it's just this is not how all of this is done, how is it done, he doesn't know anything, he's useless, he said nothing and he did nothing, he gave Tim a lift and Tim kissed him and fucked him on his back, Tim said _next time_ and not once and there was next time, there were two next times and the last next time is now, right now and Tim's fucked him, fingered him, sucked him, licked into him, kissed him and he did nothing, he said nothing, just smiled, stood there smiling with a canape in his hand, sweaty, Tim's hand on his shoulder, Tim's fingers touching him on the inside, well, they weren't, but that's how he felt the whole time, he felt amazing, he fucked with Tim and he slept with Tim, he fell asleep with Tim in Tim's bedroom in Tim's house, he didn't leave, he left in the morning, he said nothing, just some words, vague, stupid words, he made no sense, he was useless and he is crying and he's a mess, he can't fall asleep and he is fucking crying, he is, why is he crying, why.

He doesn't fall asleep.

He gets up later, much later, he goes to the bathroom to wash his face, he comes back and turns off the lights, it's getting lighter outside and Tim's asleep and he should go, he checks his phone and puts it on the nightstand, he sits down next to Tim and looks at him, he just looks at him.

"Hm," Tim says and shifts, getting closer.

"What," Tim says, opening his eyes.

He looks tired, sleepy, he is naked and his body's hot, he's close to him again and he looks at him, he looks at Tim.

"Do you need to go?" Tim asks and he doesn't, not really, it's six in the fucking morning, he doesn't have to go anywhere, but he should, he thinks he should, though his head is empty, spinning, heavy, he's tired, he hasn't slept, but Tim has, Tim fucked him and then fell asleep, Tim wakes up and asks him if he needs to go and he says _yeah, I should_ , why does he says that, what's he saying, what is this, what the fuck is this.

He feels Tim kiss his hand.

"Okay," Tim says and plants a kiss on his hand and smiles and he said nothing, just some words, just _yeah, I should_ , they didn't talk, well, they did, but they didn't, they've never talked and they fucking should, he fucking should, should've done it long ago, should've, but he didn't, didn't have the time, it's still November, it's been three weeks, two months, six or seven years, it's been a sleepless night and he said nothing and they didn't talk and they should, he should talk to Tim and he should talk to her.

Tim falls asleep again just two minutes later and he looks at him standing by the door, he should leave and he should talk to him, he should talk to her, he should say something, do something, be something, but he doesn't know what, doesn't know what and doesn't know how, he is useless, he's just a useless mess, he is a mess, not Tim.

He leaves.

He is a fucking mess.

*****

He doesn't talk to her.

They've talked before, of course, they've talked before, they talked this over, they got married and they talked, because he plays in bands and there're parties and there're drugs and there're people he doesn't know the names of and also because why not, it's nothing bad, it can be like that too and that's how he wants it, he knows this, that's how she wants it too, so they talk about it, of course, they do.

He doesn't talk to her this time.

He thinks he should. He thinks he will. Of course, he will, but not right now, not right away, not today, because he's still sore, because he still feels like Tim's fingers are inside of him, he still feels raw and his head is spinning, so not today.

And not today.

And not today.

And not today.

He doesn't talk to her.

He doesn't talk to Tim either, he just texts him, texts him back a few days later and says some words and Tim says _come to mine when you're free_ and he says _okay._

He talks to his psychotherapist.

It's not a letter and not a conversation, not a text, it's a session and he pays for it.

"Do you think it might have something to do with him being a man?" she asks and he doesn't and it doesn't, it isn't that.

Of course it isn't that.

Tim is a man and he isn't straight, he knows that, he's slept with men before, he's done it many times, he did it when he was already married and before, it's not a problem, it's not like this and it's offensive, it would've been offensive, but it's not a conversation and not a letter, not a text, it's a session and he pays for it, but it isn't that, it can't be that, he's alright with that, he's been alright with that for twenty five fucking years, it is fine, it's nothing bad, it's not that, it's just Tim does things the way you don't do things, it's just every time Tim touched him he felt like his fingers were inside him and his head was spinning and Tim looked at him, caressing his hair, Tim untied his beard, Tim licked into him and made him come, made him come four times in a row, Tim melted him, it's just that, it's not because Tim's a man, it is not.

"Of course not," Ginger says.

"I am not straight," Ginger says. "I've slept with men before."

"Hm," she says and it isn't soft, it isn't warm, it sounds nothing like when Tim says _hm_ , touching him, caressing his hair, looking at him, smiling.

"Does your wife know that?" she asks.

Fuck.

"Of course, she does," Ginger says. "She's my wife."

They've talked it over.

It isn't that.

"I see," she says. "I am not trying to irrtitate you. I am your therapist, irritating you is not my job. You know this."

Of course he fucking knows this, it's a session and it's not his first one.

"Of course," he says.

"I am just trying to understand what is it you find... troubling about this situation," she says. "You came here for a reason. I want to understand why."

He doesn't know why, does he.

He doesn't fucking know.

"Do you feel it might be in any way connected to the..." she says and pauses. "To the specifics of your sexual relationship with him?"

Fuck.

 _Can it be because he fucks you_ , she asks him.

That's what she asks.

How does she even fucking know.

And she knows because he told her, he told her everything, like they'd run into each other at the festival and near the bank and that Tim'd fucked him, kissed him in the guest bedroom and fucked him on his back. He doesn't tell her he was on his back, why would he, it's just a fucking pose, he tells her Tim fucked him when he came to his house, he tells her that they talked, browsed stuff online, hanged out on the couch and ate some food Tim had made, tells her Tim fucked him that time too and he was on top of Tim, well, he doesn't tell her that, it's a session, not a porn story, is it, he can omit details, they are not important, she doesn't need to know who came first or how they came or what pose they were in, she just needs to know things that have happened and that's what he tells her, he tells her that Tim fucked him, Tim fucked him at the hotel after they drove by his friends' place, he tells her they had sex before that too, that Tim fingered him, well, he doesn't say Tim _fingered_ him, that would be insane and also it's not what Tim did, it's not what that is called, he doesn't know what that is called, he'd never done it before Tim did it, so he tells her they had sex and that Tim fucked him, he tells her this himself, it's a session and it is not his first one, he knows how to do it, he knows he should tell her everything and that's what he does and that's exactly how she knows.

So she knows that Tim fucks him and not the other way around.

She knows that and she asks if it's this that _troubles_ him.

And it doesn't.

Of course, it doesn't. Of course, it doesn't trouble him, why would it trouble him, he fucking likes it, it's pleasant, it is sex, sex is pleasant and he's done things, he's done all these things before, well, not all of them, he hadn't done that thing that he doesn't know the name of before Tim did it, but that's it, other things he's done, he had sex with men and they fucked him and he liked it and it's nothing bad, it is not a problem, it's just sex and it's nobody's business, okay, it's hers, she's his psychotherapist and that's her job, but either way, it's fine, he's fine, he likes it, Tim fucked him and he didn't and it's alright.

"No," he says. "I like it. And she knows that. I mean, I play in bands."

He does and they used to be in the same one with Tim and she asks him about that too.

She asks him questions and they talk.

They talk about them being former colleagues and about Tim's old fuck crisis — _I think he is depressed_ , he says — and about Erin — _that's his wife_ , he says — and about his wife — he didn't talk to her — and he tells her that they did, they did talk about things like that because he plays in fucking bands, and he tells her that they've done it, he slept with other people and she did too and that is not a problem, it has never been a problem, it's just this time he didn't tell her, he didn't talk to her, he didn't talk to Tim, he said nothing, couldn't look away and cried, burst into tears and moaned, came four times, shaked and his head was spinning, he spread his legs wide, wrapped his legs around Tim, Tim was close, Tim said things to him, Tim said _next time_ , said his hair was soft, touched him, untied his beard, licked into him, Tim did things, did things the way they aren't done and he did them too, that's what they did, well, he didn't do much, he was useless, he was shot and stabbed and pierced through and he was melted, he turned into a mess, Tim touched him and turned him into a mess, Tim said _hm_ , Tim called him by his name, said _fuck, Ginj_ , said he wanted him and he wants Tim, wants to touch him, he looked at him and didn't fall asleep.

He goes to four sessions.

"It's not my job," she says and asks him questions.

Is it this.

Or is it that.

Do you think it's this.

Or do you feel it's that.

Fuck you.

 _Fuck you_ , that's what he thinks. It isn't that. It's just he is a fucking mess and they ran into each other at the festival and near the bank and Tim said things, Tim touched him, fucked him, fell asleep with him and he didn't tell his wife, he told her he was at his friend's place and they aren't friends, he told her he'd come back soon and he stayed the night, he came back in the morning, told her nothing, feels like he's cheating, they talked about it, but not about this, he doesn't even know what this is, what is this, does it even have a name, he doesn't know it, knows nothing, but he feels like shit, he is a mess, a useless mess and he says nothing, just vague, stupid words, answering her vague, stupid questions, he fucking cried while Tim slept, he fucking did, he really cried, he didn't tell him, didn't tell him anything, he texted back and said he was busy and he wasn't busy, he isn't busy, he's just having sessions that he pays for and his psychotherapist tells him it's not her job to tell him what to do.

She says that it would be wise — _wise_ , she says — to talk to his wife and renegotiate — _renegotiate_ , she says — the terms of their agreement — _agreement_ , she says.

She says that if his marriage is important to him - _if_ , she says - then it would be wise to talk to his wife and renegotiate the terms of their agreement and explain the situation to her.

 _She's your wife_ , she says.

He knows that. She's his fucking wife, he fucking knows that.

"But it's not my job to tell you what to do," she says at the end of the fourth session. "My job is to help my client to improve the quality of their life."

 _Client_ , she says.

 _Quality of life_ , she says.

She's said that before. He knows that. It's about understanding reasons of the problems he came to her with. Understanding what is a problem and what is not. Understanding how he could solve them. Become happy in the process.

He knows all of that, it's not his first or his fourth session.

And he is happy.

And his quality of life is fine.

It's not that.

He doesn't need his quality of life improved, he doesn't need these fucking questions, he doesn't need to become happy in the process, he's already fucking happy, he needs to know what to do, he doesn't know what to do, he should talk to his wife, talk to Tim, he should've done that and he didn't, didn't know what to say, didn't know anything, doesn't know anything, he's a mess, an empty, heavy, spinning mess.

He's just a useless mess.

He pays for four sessions and he's still a useless mess.

He'll talk to them.

He'll talk to her.

He'll talk to Tim.

That's what he'll do.

Just not today.

Today he is a useless mess.

*****

"Fucking back," Tim says.

They are at Tim's, in his bedroom downstairs, Ginger came to Tim's house in his car, it's still November, somehow it is still November, it is way too long, November never ends, but it will pretty soon, it's dark outside, already dark, and they've hanged out on the couch and talked and eaten stuff and Tim has told him Erin won't be home till next week, told him she's away, out of town, some sort of business trip, some sort of charity, he doesn't know, can't remember, his memory sucks nowadays, he'll ask her when she comes back, she'll come back in December.

And today it is November and they are in Tim's bedroom downstairs and they are naked, they are having sex.

"Fuck, haven't done it in a while," Tim says.

He doesn't mean the sex.

They had sex not so long ago, this November, and it is still November.

What he means is before this time he fucked Ginger and now he wants to be fucked by him and he gets the lube and they undress, they kiss, Tim touches him, his shoulders and his chest, his face, his cock, his thighs, his hair, he unties his beard, he says _want you to fuck me, haven't done it in a while_ , he says, _it's been like a year_ , he says, _fucking back_ , he explains, rocking up and down on his own fingers right next to him, naked, forehead wrinkled, looking at him with a smile.

He doesn't touch him and he should.

He should talk to him.

"God, how did you do this?" Tim asks, breathless, Tim's on top of him, they are fucking, Tim is sitting on his cock, he's inside of Tim, he said something about hands and knees, it's more comfortable, they are almost fifty, Tim said _no_ , Tim said _fuck it_ , Tim said _wanna look at you_ and he is, Tim's looking at him and he's looking at Tim, staring up at him, forehead wrinkled, hair a sticky mess, blinking, biting his lower lip, rocking up and down on his cock, flushed, aroused, hard, laughing, sweaty, saying _hm_ , saying _fuck_ , saying _Ginj_ , saying he's amazing and he's not, Tim's amazing and he can't look away, he is falling, he will cry, Tim's looking at him, kissing him, Tim's on top of him.

"God, how did you do this?" Tim asks, sitting on his cock on top of him, moving on his cock, rocking his hips up and down. "I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack."

He didn't feel like that.

He thinks he didn't feel like that, he doesn't know how it feels to have a heart attack, he's never had one, he felt like he was going to fall, like he was shot, stabbed, pierced through, like he was just a moth, just a mess, like he was melted and he fell, Tim pulled him down, that's how he felt.

He doesn't know how he did it.

They should talk.

He drove to Tim's house, he texted Tim, he asked if Tim was home and Tim said he was, Tim said _come in_ when he got there, Tim dragged him in and they talked.

They didn't really talk.

They've never talked. They weren't friends, they just played in the same band and knew each other's names and maybe also they smoked together, smoked from time to time, and they were at the same parties and that's it. Tim didn't look at him back then. Tim didn't touch his hair. Tim didn't say it was soft. Tim didn't say _do you wanna go somewhere?_

They've never talked. They weren't friends, they just ran into each other at the festival, they both play in bands, they play in different bands, but Tim wasn't playing, Tim looked depressed, Tim looked tired, but they didn't really talk, Tim just looked at him, Tim touched his hair, Tim said that it was soft, Tim said _do you wanna go somewhere?_

Just that. They didn't talk. They just did that.

They just went to Tim's house when they ran into each other near the bank, they had some coffee and Ginger gave Tim a lift and Tim kissed him and they fucked.

They never talked. They just fucked. Just that.

They are fucking now. Tim fucked him, Tim kissed him god knows how many times, Tim licked into him, made him come, made him come four times in a row, put his fingers inside him and he still feels them there, Tim sucked him off, he came in Tim's mouth, he came moaning, falling, bursting into tears, shot, stabbed with a knife, Tim touched him, Tim untied his beard god knows how many times, Tim said _hm_ and _nice_ , Tim fucked him and now he is fucking Tim, Tim's on top of him, they are fucking, they aren't friends, they are fucking.

They are not just fucking.

He came here to talk to Tim. They never talked, they fucked and they slept together, browsed stuff online, watched a movie, listened to some songs, ate stuff, met Tim's wife, had some coffee, went for a ride, grabbed a bite, had a walk, sat in dusty plastic chairs, they just ran into each other, that's what they did.

He came to talk about that.

He came to talk and then they didn't, Tim said _come in_ and smiled, said he was so glad to see him, said _missed you_ , kissed him, _missed your beard_ , Tim then said, untying it right next to the door, laughing, and he was laughing too and Tim was touching him and Tim's fingers were inside him and he feels raw.

They didn't talk, they haven't talked yet, but they will, he has to talk to Tim, he fucking has to, Tim didn't have to do this, this thing they are doing, Tim said _I'll do something for you next time_ , Tim said that again, Tim said _I really want you to fuck me now, I want you_ , Tim said and what did he mean, he didn't have to, did he have to, did he fucking have to do it now, say it now, say it today, did he, did he.

Tim didn't, but he did.

He had to talk to him, talk to him today, tell him things, say fucking something, but he didn't, but he will.

Just not now.

Now they are fucking and Tim's on top of him, naked, flushed, aroused, hard, Tim is moving up and down on his cock, Tim feels amazing, Tim _is_ , he cannot breathe and he will cry, Tim lost his breath too, Tim's swearing, Tim's hands are on his shoulders now, _can you hold me_ , he says then, that's what Tim says.

"Can you hold me?" Tim says and he can't, he can't do anything, he's useless, he's a mess, he puts his useless hands on Tim's thighs and helps him move, Tim's hands lying on his shoulders, Tim moving on his cock, hot, wired, close, Tim says _fuck_ and _so good_ and his name, he says _Ginj_ and moans, his head lolling back, he looks at him and his pale face is flushed, his face is sweaty, wrinkled just a little, Tim is blinking, Tim bites his lips and moans and he can't look away, doesn't want to, wants him, wants him so much, he wants Tim, he is falling.

Tim says he wants him too, _I want you_ , Tim says, Tim wants to come, Tim says so, he says _I'm close, almost there_ , he says _I'm dumb, why did I get rid of my fucking piercing_ , Tim says and he means his nipple ring, he lifts his hand, lets go of Ginger's shoulder and rubs at his right nipple and then moans, Ginger moans too, Tim clenches on his cock, goes tight around him, feels amazing, Tim's so close, so close to him, Tim says _can you hold me_ and wraps his hand around his cock and starts jerking off, _can't come like that_ , he says, _almost there_ , he says, he puts his hand on his cock and in Ginger's hair, then in Ginger's beard, touches it, laughs, says _I am a fucking pervert_ , then blinks and his eyelashes flutter, his eyes close for a second and then open and his forehead wrinkles and he looks at Ginger, at his face and at his hair and at his beard, he smiles at him and he comes, _fuck, Ginj_ , he says and comes, so close to him, so tight around him, he falls and Tim falls on top of him, Tim's shaking and he is shaking, he's gonna cry, he's gonna fucking cry again, Tim's kissing him, Tim's breath in his mouth, just Tim's, his own's gone, he's gone, he's empty, he's just a useless mess.

He's just a useless mess again.

He came here to talk.

It is today.

Must it be today?

He didn't have to.

And he did.

Of course, he did.

It's Tim.

That's what he does.

Runs into him.

Tim comes on top of him and falls on top of him and kisses him, _shit, I am done_ , Tim says, _I'm fucking finished_ , Tim says, _sorry_ , Tim says and what is he even sorry for, Tim gets off him with a moan and pulls the condom off him and searches blindly for something on the bed, doesn't look away, looks at him, flushed, sweaty, tired, he's just come, he puts some lube on his palm and puts his hand around Ginger, jerks him off, he's gentle, his hand is wet and warm, he grips him tight and he looks at him, propped on one elbow on top of him, his face right above Ginger's face, Ginger on his back, staring up at him, doesn't look away, just comes, just fucking comes and moans and says nothing, he is nothing, just a useless mess, he is that and they didn't run into each other, Tim ran into him.

Tim kisses him after he comes, right after that, he looks at him, watches him, he's close to him, way too close to him, and then he kisses him, he empties him, he's lost his breath, it's now Tim's, Tim's breath on his lips and in his mouth and inside him, Tim's fingers are inside him, Tim ran into him.

Tim ran inside him.

Then they talk.

Then they lie next to each other, naked, breathless, like they ran a marathon, and Tim smokes, Tim brings them water and they drink, they talk, Tim says things and he says words, vague, stupid words, he's empty, heavy, spinning, did it have to be today, it is today, today they talk.

But first Tim says things.

First he puts on his clothes. Well, not first, not right away, he can't do it right away, he doesn't want to, doesn't want it to be today, he wants Tim, but he does, an hour later, he says _I have to go soon_ , says _I don't have much time_ and Tim nods and says _okay_ and puts on his jeans, just his jeans, and sits on the bed barefoot and half naked.

Ginger puts on his clothes and sits beside him.

He doesn't want to go soon.

He doesn't want to go.

He came here to talk.

It's today.

He is a useless mess today, because Tim touched him, Tim ran inside him, but it is.

It is today.

He is a useless mess every fucking day anyway.

"Wanna go to Rio?" Tim says then.

Fuck.

Why does he say that today.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"I..." Ginger says.

"I mean, if you aren't busy," Tim says. "Just for a few days. Till Erin's back."

Fuck.

You came here to talk?

Fucking talk.

"I can't," Ginger says.

He can't talk. He's a useless mess. And they don't talk.

"Ah, okay," Tim says and smiles. "No problem. Maybe later? It doesn't have to be right now. Well, if you even want to."

He wants to. Of course, he fucking wants to.

"No, I can't," Ginger says.

Tim frowns.

"I can't do this," Ginger says.

He says that.

_That._

"What?" Tim asks.

 _This._ He can't do this. He never could. He never did. He doesn't know what this is.

That's not what Tim asks him.

"You're married," Ginger says.

That's not what Tim asks him.

Tim frowns.

Tim doesn't understand him.

"So?" Tim asks. "Not like that. I mean, I told you, didn't I? And I told her. Fuck, you guys met. It's not a problem. She doesn't mind. I mean, we can wait for her to come back and then go together."

Fuck.

Tim doesn't understand him.

"You don't understand," Ginger says.

He doesn't understand it too. He doesn't know what this is.

It's just Tim ran inside him.

It's just that.

"I can't do this," Ginger says. "I'm married."

Tim frowns.

"What do you mean?" Tim asks. "Not like that, right? I mean, you told me. I don't mind. She can come too, if she wants."

What does he mean.

He doesn't mean that.

"You don't understand," Ginger says. "I'm married. I like my wife."

He _likes_ his wife.

That's what he says. What does he even mean by that.

Tim frowns.

Tim frowns and his forehead wrinkles, not just between his eyebrows, his whole face wrinkles, his whole face is dark now.

Fuck.

"I can't do this," Ginger says. "I like my wife." He says that again. "I like you too."

Useless mess.

Useless fucking mess.

Tim is sitting on the bed barefoot and half naked. Tim doesn't move. HIs whole face is dark. He doesn't move. He holds his breath. He feels Tim still. Still inside him. He's still inside him.

"I like you way too much," Ginger says.

It is today.

He says that today, that's all he can say.

He is a useless fucking mess.

Tim exhales. Tim swallows hard. Tim moves his lips. Tim gets up. Tim will punch him.

Tim doesn't punch him.

Tim just stands in front of him, his fists clenching.

Tim just looks at him.

"Fuck," he says.

He picks up his cigarette package. He lights up a smoke. Not right away, he can't do it right away, his hands are shaking, he looks tired, he looks dark, he doesn't look at him.

He smokes.

"Fuck," he says and throws his cigarette away.

"Okay," he says.

It's not. Of course, it's not okay. It's a mess. _He_ 's a mess.

Tim didn't hurt him.

Tim just ran inside him.

"Well," Tim says and looks at him, Tim looks at him again, Tim hurts him, Tim looks at him like he's been looking at him, just like that, he looks at him the same way, still looks at him. "If you ever get divorced, you know..." Tim says and smiles. "You have my phone number."

Tim says that.

Tim's still inside him.

Fuck.

"You..." Ginger starts.

He wants to tell him things.

He came here to fucking talk to him.

"You won't talk to me," Ginger says.

He'll cry.

"No," Tim says. "Probably not."

He'll just cry.

He is a useless mess.

"Not right away," Tim says and looks at him.

"But I might come around," Tim says and smiles at him.

Tim smiles at him and he's just a mess.

"Okay," Ginger says.

"Yeah," Tim says. "Come on. I'll show you out."

He'll cry.

Tim shows him out. Tim kisses him. Not right away. First they just stand there and Tim looks at him. Tim puts his hand in his hair. Tim said it was soft. Tim puts his hand in his beard. Tim untied it. Tim kisses him. Tim says things.

He'll cry.

Tim shuts the door.

It's still November when he drives away, that long November that just never ends, it'll end very soon and he'll cry, he stops very soon, when it is still November, doesn't know where, doesn't know anything, he just cries and he doesn't stop, he fucking can't, he is just a mess, just a useless fucking mess.

 _Till next time_ , Tim says.

_Next_ time.


End file.
